James & Cari: God Knows us Individually

We made it to Florida! Moving through a pandemic has provided interesting challenges, but we are all happy and healthy, and doing as much "Florida" stuff as Covid allows. This year I thought I'd share a story about something that happened when we spent the day at Busch Gardens. Luke loved zoos- particularly the lions, gorillas, and the hippos. Every time we go to a zoo it feels like he's nearby, and this trip was no different. He loved trains, and I heard the train whistle multiple times throughout the day- each time smiling at the thought of him. When we rode the train and saw the animals, it brought even more joy. After lots of fun, we decided to head home, but not without first finding Dippin Dots at Katie's request. We knew they were near the entrance, so it would be our last stop. As we stood there with our yummy ice cream in the middle of the Busch Gardens courtyard a few days after Christmas, a light show began dancing all across the buildings to the song "I Can Only Imagine" by Mercyme. This song is all about meeting Christ when we pass from this life. We played it at Luke's funeral and it has been the "Luke song" for our family ever since. Busch Gardens isn't known as a Christian venue as far as I know, and though it was close to Christmas, I've never heard "I Can Only Imagine" referred to as a Christmas song. I believe very strongly that that song played at that moment for our family. God knew that the most personal way He could show us He loved us, He was aware of us, and that Luke was alright was to play "Luke's song." I couldn't stop the tears. It's been 15 years. It's true that time allows that painful scar of loss to harden...but it's also true that there are moments that still come when the pain feels very much as deep as it did the moment we lost him. That evening I cried for both- some for the loss and for the many memories I'd hoped to make with Luke that I hadn't, but mostly for the relief that God wasn't far away- that there is hope. God knows us, loves us, and we mean enough to Him that He would find a way to play us a specific and very Christian song in a very secular place blasting through speakers with a beautiful light show that made everyone stop and appreciate at the end of a wonderful family day. For me, it was a miracle.

The second thought is about letting go. Logan, Luke's twin brother, is a senior. He will be heading out into the world as a missionary in the next 6 months or so. He will be attending college after that. He's all grown up, and this will likely be the last Families are Forever day the five of us will be together for a while. That hurts my heart a little, but also makes me so appreciative of this past few years. When we moved to Europe we constantly reminded the kids that the relationships they created with each other would last forever. Friends will come and go, but family is forever. We spent so much time together in Europe- traveling, staying in rather close quarters, and once Covid hit, well, family was everything. We had plans for our final few months in Europe- trips we'd take, the goodbyes we'd share with friends, how the kids would finish up their school year, the Boy Scouts Eagle projects the boys would complete (both were mid-eagle project when Covid hit.) But those plans had to change. We had to leave without saying goodbye to most everyone. The boys didn't get to complete their projects. We didn't get to take our final trips. We had to let go of all the plans we made and just trust that everything would work out. It was hard- sometimes it still is when I look at all the kids are missing because of this pandemic- how different life is than we'd planned- but I don't find peace in entertaining those thoughts of what "should be". I find peace when I remember God is in charge, and though I may not understand why things are as they are sometimes, I trust that God knows me, loves me, and won't send anything my way that I can't handle WITH HIS HELP. I could never have handled calling my husband who was away for work to tell him our son had collapsed suddenly and wasn't going to make it. I could never have let my sweet little almost-3 year old return to his father in heaven- could have never handled teaching his twin brother we were going to have faith in God in response- could have never sent my little guy off to school alone when I'd always planned to send them together- and now I will have faith as I send my 'grown up' boy off into the world on his own when I'd planned to send him there with his brother. I've had 15 years to prepare to let him go on his own, and thankfully God has blessed us to accept it by continuously reminding us that we are never really on our own- none of us are. We are His children. He knows each of us personally- He knows exactly what we need to feel that love He has for us. Most recently for our family that reminder was a song in the middle of Busch Gardens- but those reminders come all the time- some on a grand scale, and some as small as a butterfly. God loves us and with Christ all things are possible.

Hug your babies and your loved ones today! Families are Forever.