Twin Mom

 When I first started on the journey of parenthood, I had the privilege of being a twin mom right off the bat.  I had lots of twin mom friends and we would often talk of the aches and pains of pregnancy, the busy sleepless nights right after birth, the 'udderly' odd way you needed to work out nursing, etc.  But through all our commiserating, we were proud. We were the lucky ones...and we knew it.

Luke was my oldest by 9 minutes.  When he died, I was at a loss in more ways than one.  It was hard to see twins, hard to hear of people having twins, harder yet to hear people complaining about having twins.  I wanted to scream..."you are so lucky!  Do you have any idea how lucky you are to have both of your babies here?"  But I didn't.  I just kept my distance...and I'd dwell on it most of the day.

Twins are everywhere.  It seemed that one way or another I would be placed in the path to become friends with twin moms.  And I would come to love them, and I would think...well, ok.  She's not one of them....I really like her.  But I avoided the twin talk.  I didn't fit anymore.

And then a friend got pregnant with twins.  She found out on the very day we celebrate 'Families are Forever' day...the anniversary of the day Luke passed away.  My goal for that day was to strong.  I had done awesome all day...and then I overheard her news.  I wanted to be happy for her...so I kept my distance at first, and then mustered all my courage to talk to her.  I said, "congratulations, twins are the best."  I remember exactly because it took me a really long time to formulate what to say, and then to gain the strength to do it.  My plan was to leave as soon as I could so as not to detract from her joy.  She was as excited as I remembered being when I found out.  And rightfully so.  But all I could think about was Luke and how hurt I was that he was gone.  It wasn't fair.  Why today?!  Why did I have to be today that she found out?  I had two very dear friends who knew in a heartbeat when they saw me that I was struggling.  Their hugs brought the tears...and I realized.  I have got to get over this twin jealousy thing.  Had it come any other day, I may not have realized it so strongly...and so, yes.  It had to be today.  It took me a few months, but it sat in the back of my mind.  Time to heal a little more.  But how?

And then I got a message.  Not an angel from heaven message exactly, but a facebook message.  :-)  This dear twin mom asked me about having twins.  Me.  The girl that used to have twins.  (I know I still have them, technically...but not in the way that would bring about requests for advice and such.)  She asked me anyway.  I was so incredibly touched.  I just cried.  I read and re-read her message and knew I was ready to let it go.  I was ready to celebrate twins...not avoid them.  I shared what I could to help her, but I knew...I still know...she helped me more than I ever helped her.  She let me be a twin mom again.

And there I was- remembering and sharing what I had learned about raising Luke and Logan.  I brought up fun stories and memories of the two of them...and he was back.  Luke was back...even if just for a moment.

It's been almost a year since that happened...and what a year.  I've been able to move forward in ways I never thought I could.  I still miss Luke, of course, and there are still hurdles to jump in living without him- raising my children without my oldest here...but I am touched when I see or hear about twins now.  I feel compassion.  I feel camaraderie.  I feel joy when there's an opportunity to talk about my twins, and even though I don't always declare my 'twin mom' status or jump in with anecdotes, I no longer feel a need to run.  Instead, I can smile.  He's still mine, after all.



So why all of this?  It's obviously in my mind as we approach February and Families are Forever day...but today I had the best conversation with a woman at the dentist office.  She was filling in as the dentist's assistant, which left her in the room with us for a while as he straightened out paperwork we needed.  She started talking about her twins.  Girls.  Five years old.  And you know what?  My heart didn't drop.  I talked to her about mine.  We laughed about the funny way they protect each other (images of Luke decking the kid that stole Logan's book in nursery came to mind), the major differences in personality, and on and on.  She showed me a picture of her kids on her smart phone.  I pulled out my old Kiddie Candids wallet portrait of Luke and Logan with the laminated cover starting to pull away and discolor from age.  And it didn't matter.  She treated me like 'one of them.'  And for that thirty minutes, Luke was back.  My stories about him were new again.  I miss having new stories about him.  I have so much to say and tell about Logan, Tyler, and Katie.  Sometimes I worry because I know them so much better than I know Luke...I've had them longer than I had him.   But you know what?  I'm still his mom.  And talking about him today with someone who genuinely seemed interested in sharing with me as a 'twin mom' was such a blessing.

So what have I learned?  God truly knows our hearts.  He knows what we can handle and when.  It took me over five years to be comfortable with twins again. And it's still a little tender...but it's not painful.  It gives me a chance to share my firm knowledge that we are going to be together as a family again.  I know it.  :-)  And being known as someone with a solid testimony of a Father in Heaven who is guiding our lives in all things is more important than any title I may want for myself...including 'twin mom.'