See You When We Smile

Moments of inspiration show up when least expected.  Sometimes that inspiration isn't fully realized until later...perhaps years later.  When Luke's life neared it's end and we saw his heart rate steadily decreasing, I began whispering my final goodbyes that would have to stand until I joined Luke in heaven one day, I remember thinking about the trip we'd planned as a family to visit the San Diego Zoo a few months later...a trip we would now be taking without him, if we went at all.  It was a split second thought I hardly recognized until later as I replayed those final moments over and over in my mind.  Why did the zoo come to mind?  It seems ridiculous, until I realized the words that I said because of that thought.  It was because of that thought that I added these specific things to my expressions of love and how much we would miss him:
1- We will go to the zoo and look for you at the lions.  (He LOVED to see the lions at the zoo.)
2- We are going to smile and laugh, and when we do, we'll know you're there.

One of the hardest things to handle after a loss of a loved one is to shake the guilt when you realize your life is moving forward.  The first time you smile, the first time you laugh, the first day you realized you didn't cry that day.  There is a fear you didn't love them enough if you can now smile without them present.  You fear you're dishonoring their memory if you don't constantly remain sullen and subdued- certainly nothing will ever be worth smiling about again.

Oh how happy I am that I made Luke these promises!  How grateful I am that I can look back over the past 10 years and see moment after moment of joy- smile after smile- giggle after giggle.  I'm so glad for all the memories made, that we kept living life...for the many times Luke has certainly been near.  Now, this is not to say there aren't moments, days, or weeks, where those feelings of longing and sadness show up again- sometimes in an overwhelming, unexpected torrent.  They do.  The smallest reminder can trigger very deep responses...but even when the tears flow readily, there's an underlying peace- an unshakable faith that reminds me those moments are merely to remind me how deeply I do love...and how much I look forward to returning to Heaven to hold my little guy again.

Faith is key.  Faith is what provides me the strength to smile through the tears- to enjoy moments of happiness instead of feeling guilty about them- faith is what pushes me to be better, to live each moment to the fullest, to enjoy every moment, to realize when I'm making a mountain out of a molehill, to give others the benefit of the doubt.  Faith is what makes it ok to smile, because one day I WILL be reunited with my son.  Faith is what reminds me that God has promised we won't be given more than we can handle when our hand is firmly in His.  As we let Him lead us, as we trust that He truly gave His perfect life that we can be perfected in Him, as we work to pattern our lives and actions after His, we find strength deep within that can only come from above, and life truly is joyful.  You can and will be reminded of your sweet loved ones as well as the love of your Savior every time you smile.  I know families are forever, and God would never allow anything to happen that wasn't part of His plan.  

I'll write more of our family celebration of Families are Forever day in the next few days.  For now, just know that I know God is in charge.  He loves us, and He wants us to be happy.  As we allow Him to work through us, we truly will be happy- to live, to laugh, to smile.  Hug your loved ones!