Sometimes those memories are colored with sadness, tears, or anger for what's not to be...but those feelings attend my memories of Luke less and less. More often than not, I choose to remember him and our life together with fondness, appreciation, and love. I'm grateful that day still feels so close to my heart- grateful it seems like just yesterday. And even though some days those same memories bring tears, I'm grateful that today I choose to smile.
When Luke passed away, so much was changing- life felt out of control. A life we'd never considered became real. Medical diagnoses were brought to light and they proved to be earth-shattering. Our son had Long QT- a heart condition he hadn't been diagnosed with until after his death- and it resulted in SADS (sudden arrhythmia death syndrome.) His twin brother Logan was tested immediately and was also diagnosed with Long QT. The doctors then found that I had it, and because I was 6 months pregnant with Tyler I would need to be monitored closely. We learned Logan would need an internal cardiac defibrillator, meaning surgeries we never realized would be in his future. So much changed in a blink of an eye and I really didn't know how we would survive...but we did. When Tyler was born, he had Long QT as well. Katie was diagnosed at her birth a couple of years after that. We've had surgeries and defibrillators placed and removed. On the other hand, we've had way less surgeries than doctors originally expected. We've also met tons of amazing people, moved to multiple places, traveled, learned and grown. Life has continued. This year it's stood out to me most that I find the most joy when I spend time and energy focusing on things I can control: my actions and my perspective.
In the years right after Luke passed, we took each day...sometimes each hour...one at a time. I could choose to stay in bed or I could choose to get up and go for a walk. I learned it was ok to choose whatever I needed most at the time- that adding expectations to what I 'should' be doing or what I 'should' be feeling only made things worse. Family and friends were then and continue to be incredibly supportive allowing us to grieve as we needed- to talk when we needed, to be quiet when we needed- to allow us to cry as we needed, but who also allowed us to laugh and smile without making us feel guilty for finding joy during our mourning. We were surrounded by people we knew we could count on at a moments notice because those same people respected what we asked for at the time. Unconditional love is an incredible gift- the most Christ-like attribute I can think of. It's not easy to give, but I have multiple people in my life who have shown me just that and I am forever grateful for their love as well as their example.
I am grateful for a Father in Heaven who loves me- who I believe listens to my prayers and knows the intent of my heart. I'm grateful for my Savior Jesus Christ who died that we may all overcome death and be reunited in heaven. I'm grateful that He will help me carry my burdens, brings peace, and provides a way for us to be forgiven of sin.
I am also grateful for my sweet hubby. I'm grateful that because James and I handle grief differently, we are learning to support each other in our differences, and that spreads to all aspects of our relationship. James doesn't expect me to react the same or need the same things he does which makes me feel safe to tell him what I do need and to support him in what he needs. When disagreements show up, it can often be tied to misunderstood expectations. I guess what I'm learning is that we're learning. It's ok to not be perfect, and it's ok to not be the same. The more honest I am about what I need and the more I love others unconditionally, the closer my relationships can be. Perhaps this lesson would have come about anyway, but I like to think that our marriage is stronger because Luke is part of our story. Because of him, I've learned more about living with joy and practicing to make it more prevalent in my life. I think happiness is most prevalent when I'm practicing two things: Enjoying each moment for what it is and Appreciating people for who they are.
Speaking of happiness, we've now lived in Germany for over three and a half years. It's been amazing! When we received the orders to Stuttgart we were ecstatic-a 3 year European vacation! It has been everything we'd hoped for and more...including an extra year. We have traveled to places we never thought we'd see in person and some we didn't even know existed a few years ago- we've tasted foods we'd never heard of, seen historical sights we'd only read about in books, and been able to experience first hand how people from various cultures live. In our first 3 years we traveled every chance we could get. We didn't want to waste a moment, and we didn't. Our 4th year we've slowed down our travel a bit as we prepare to move again, and we've had more "Stay-cations" than vacations, relaxing as a family and enjoying the moments as they come. The cool part is that the weekends we choose to stay home still feel like we aren't wasting a moment because we own the fact that we made that choice. We are in control of how we fill our days. We are in charge of how we see our lives. We are in charge of who we choose to be. We love traveling, and we love being home. We love Europe, and we love that we will soon be back in America. Joy can be found everywhere...the perspective we choose makes all the difference. Thank you for being part of my journey in healing. Hug your loved ones and remember all things are possible through Christ who strengthens us! Families are Forever!
**Here are our balloons headed up to Luke. Tyler's was a renegade and released itself, leaving only the strings behind in his hands. :-) The laughter was welcome as we all quickly let go of ours to try and catch his.
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