You Find What You Look For

 
Feb 2025 Blog post:  Waiting for a Leaf to Fall

 I was able to attend a workshop this weekend and they asked if you were invited to go see a movie and the synopsis you were given was that the main character starts out with this perfect life- everything going for them, happy relationships, satisfied with work responsibilities, healthy body, strong faith and then in the middle of the story everything is going well for them, relationships are happy, work is great, body is healthy, faith is strong, and then at the end they continue to have no struggles and life is amazing with no challenges or sadness… would you want to see the movie?  No!  Overcoming the challenges- finding strength in the struggle- building character and faith and love- this is what life is all about!

 So we seek a perfect life- in fact, we often portray our perfect life through social media and to the world… but when I thought about this, I realized that at least for me, that perfection doesn’t inspire me quite like the underdog story does.  Watching someone stand up after they fall, rebuild after tragedy, reconcile after hurt- that’s where the inspiration comes into play.  So why do we put so much effort into hiding our struggles?  Not sharing our wins? 

As followers of Jesus Christ, we have promised to mourn with those that mourn and comfort those that stand in need of comfort.  And when we get that opportunity?  We feel honored.  I remember when a dear friend learned of a family member passing, and when I went to her house, in her sadness she just cried- and that made me cry- so we cried together.  And afterwards? We both felt a little stronger.  A little more at peace.  It was beautiful!  Had she not opened up and shared her heart, I wouldn’t have had that experience. 

In another experience, I attended a silent retreat with a dear friend.  When talking later, she told of a leaf she had seen fall and how in this weekend where there was no discussion, no reading, no cell phones, this leaf falling felt truly magical to her.  She looked around to see who else had seen so she could share it with them, but no one was watching.

Today as I went out for a walk, I was thinking about what I would share at testimony meeting, as I’ve borne my testimony of Jesus Christ and His love for us every February for the past 19 years in memory of my son Luke… but nothing was coming to mind.  I began to offer a prayer that Heavenly Father would bless me with some inspiration as to what I could share when a leaf hit the ground in front of me.  Do you know what that means?  That means that that leaf began falling before I even uttered my prayer- Heavenly Father KNEW I would feel His love- knew I would feel seen by Him- if He dropped that leaf at my feet. 

And I did- I immediately felt loved and seen because I knew He was there to share my joy in seeing it fall.  I thought of the many people in my life who have shared in my joys as well as my sorrows, and I felt so loved.  So seen.  I’m so grateful for a Savior that encourages us to share in the joys and the sorrows of others- to lift, to love, to serve in anyway you can!

 I’m grateful for Christ’s example when He asked God to remove the cup from Him.  He didn’t hide how difficult His struggle was- He asked for help!  When Lazarus died, He didn’t lock himself in a room to cry, the scriptures tell us Jesus wept.  I hope we can all be a little braver to share our hearts- the celebrations and the struggles- because that’s the only way we can really help each other- and that’s what this life is all about- becoming like Christ.  Loving as He does- sharing the joys of others as well as the heartaches.  .   

When I see someone rise above a challenge, I feel like I’ve risen above the challenge.  When I see a team win, I feel like I won!  When I have had the sacred opportunity to hold someone as they cry, or to pray that they may find peace, I feel that pure love of Christ for them and for me, just as He promised we would when we walk in His footsteps. I feel lighter and loved and connected to Him and the people I share with more deeply.

 I am so grateful for our Father in Heaven- grateful that He causes those leaves to fall before we even finish our prayer.  Grateful that when those leaves don’t fall- when we don’t receive answers we are seeking in the timeline we prefer, we are blessed with those around us willing to pray and comfort and support us until we find peace.  Even on the darkest night, morning really does eventually come- but until then, how grateful I am for a Savior willing to carry the burden with us, personally or through the hands of others.  Hug your loved ones- and know that families are forever.

Bonus Days are Glorious- and Every Day is a Bonus Day

 

I love this picture of Logan.  I have it hanging in my home.  It reminds me Each day is a gift.  Each moment a treasure.  James is fantastic at appreciating each moment- not putting off the things that matter most when the opportunity arises, especially when it comes to our family.  In this world, no day is promised, but knowing we try hard to live each day with gratitude, looking for the miracles, and appreciating each opportunity we have to show a little love, grow a little closer, or lift someone who’s down brings so much peace.  One of my favorite authors is Mitch Albom, and in his book finding Chicka, he shares the story of adopting his daughter.  Like us, he and his wife didn’t have the opportunity to raise their child to adulthood, but James and I have often quoted his perspective.  He says, “You cannot lose a child.  And we did not lose a child.  We were given one.  And she was glorious.”

Gratitude changes those dark days to light.  Gratitude puts those frustrating moments in perspective.  We never know what tomorrow will hold, but I know this.  Today, I choose to love, to live, and to be grateful.  Miracles surround us each and every day.  This year that has been on my mind more than I think it has been in 17 years.  I am so grateful for my children- all of them- for the honor of having them in my life.  I learn from them daily.  I cherish the people they are and the relationships we have.  I love the way they love and lift each other.  I love that I have a husband who continuously reminds each of us to take advantage of the opportunities we are given and to seek out the ones we desire but aren’t given. Each moment with our loved ones is truly a bonus- how different our lives are when we choose our actions based on this thought.   I hope you’ll take a minute to look for and recognize the miracles in your life, to be grateful for the many blessings, and to truly bask in God’s love like it’s warm summer sunshine kissing our cheeks, eyes closed, soft breeze- can you picture it?  Our lives are truly glorious.  Hug your babies!

Rewriting the Story

 (An old pic, but one of my faves of Logan and Luke)

I've always referred to February 7, 2006 as a perfect day. My sister and I were both almost 6 months pregnant at the time- and she was pregnant with her first!  We didn't live near each other, so when James was sent on a week-long work trip, we decided that would be the perfect time for both of us to fly to Illinois to visit our parents and brothers.  I was nearing the furthest point in my pregnancy with Tyler that the doctor would give me clearance to travel, so we knew it was now or never.  I don't remember much about the first couple of days we were there, to be honest, much of it is a blur now, and I will always wish I had taken more pictures- but hind sight is 20/20, so learn from my experience and capture those memories that in the moment may seem mundane or monotonous- just every day life.  They will likely be the very things you miss most in the future.  :-)

(Logan, Papa, and Luke)

So we come to February 7th.  A perfect day.  What I remember of this day was Luke being extra attentive- not just with me- but with everyone.  On a typical day, Luke rarely stopped moving. Many of our pictures of him are blurry because he was just always doing something- laughing, running, playing, jumping... being a little boy.  I remember on the 7th noticing that he seemed to take time with everyone. 

 I remember him wanting to call James.  I knew James was in meetings, but I figured he'd appreciate a message from the boys- so we called.  The boys didn't understand the concept of leaving a message, so they listened as his voicemail started with his voice requesting the caller to leave a message, followed by the beep- the message turned into something of "where'd dada go?  where dada?" It was adorable.  

(Aunt Rach & Luke)

I remember him making faces and being silly with my siblings, sitting still with Logan long enough to read a story, running over to give hugs to my mom, and rocking in the rocking chair with my dad.  I remember him coming to find me when I had gone upstairs for a moment, peeking around the door frame and saying 'hi.'  (It was adorable- I'm so grateful I remember that moment.)  And I remember we went to lunch at a place called Taters. What stands out to me about that memory is that the restaurant was decorated with shiny hearts in preparation for valentines day.  I wouldn't have really noticed, but Luke pointed at a big shiny heart on the window next to our table and we talked about hearts- we pointed at his chest to tell him where his heart was, he pointed at his heart, pointed at Logan's heart, and then he and Logan started tickling each other.  Rather than tell them to stop, I remember feeling so full with appreciation for their love for each other- their sweet relationship. I took in the sights, the sounds- I can place myself right back there whenever I want- the memory is so vivid- I was truly 'in the moment,' and so grateful that they were mine.

That evening just before bedtime is when Luke collapsed.  The rest of the night was spent in frantic desperation to save his life.  It wasn't meant to be, and Luke passed away the morning of the 8th. My perfect day was followed by the worst day of my life.

For years I have struggled with "perfect days."  There have been many of them...days when everything just seems perfect and I am content and grateful and in awe that my life is as amazing as it is.  These days are often coupled with a little twinge of fear that my perfect day will turn into a life-changing event where everything I knew and loved would be yanked out from under me without warning and I would be left trying to put the pieces back together creating a new life that only half-way resembled the 'perfect life' I had always imagined I'd enjoy.  It's tough having a joyous event and knowing inside that you are just wishing it away because the better it gets, the bigger the chance this is an "end."  I've worked hard to love the moment in the moment- to pause when things seem really great and just thank God.  It's not easy, and I can’t say I succeed every time, but I'm always grateful when I've taken a moment to appreciate that no matter what happens next, I will remember that this moment was perfect, and that is enough.

Each year as the 7th and 8th approach, I notice a theme coming into my heart- something I can share on our blog that has become a yearly reflection of lessons learned regarding his death rather than a family journal as I expected it would be so many years ago when it began.  I shared with a friend recently that I didn't know what I would share this year- I was feeling a little nervous that nothing would come to mind.  And then I realized I've been learning and studying much about "rewriting your story" so it serves you.  If your reflection on an event brings you down, perhaps you can find a new perspective of it that will lift you up.  "Rewriting your story" doesn't mean you change the events that happened or create a false-reality in place of the truth of a situation, it just means you choose to see it differently.  You open your heart to the possibility that a new perspective of that event could free you from the pain you are carrying, allowing you to put at rest the restricting, negative feelings and thoughts that currently take over when it comes to mind.

As I reflected on this concept this morning, I noticed that throughout the past 15 years, James and I have been doing this off and on without realizing it.  James is an incredibly positive person.  He will think on things until he comes to resolution- and it is always a deliberate, well-thought out perspective.  He is also willing to learn more- to change- to adapt when new information comes to light and makes better sense than his current way of thinking or acting.  In the past couple of years, many of our discussions have revolved around perspective- the joy that can come from viewing an event in a new way.  He knows of my struggle when things seem "too good," and has patiently helped me find joy in the moment, and have faith enough to realize we can’t control the future, but we can live life to the fullest right now, full of gratitude and hope.  As I woke up this morning, I felt like that was the answer to my blog post concern.  I could write about my perfect day…because as I reflect on it, what has been a light in the darkness for over 15 years could actually be seen very differently- and I have found strength because I chose to see it the way that I did- as a perfect day.

I've always referred to the 7th as my perfect day.  I think back on it and remember all those amazing things I shared earlier.  But do you know what else happened that day? Luke's heart stopped for the first time.  He collapsed, was rushed to the hospital, and life-flighted to another.  I called James in hysterics trying to explain what was happening.  My life was crashing down with "why Luke?" "why now," questioning God for making this happen when I was away from my husband- how could He ask us to do something like this alone?!- and regrets of what I could have done, should have done differently... (I’ve worked hard to accept that I did the very best I could in the moment to save his life, and his passing was not my fault or anyone else’s- but that took a lot of conscious effort that I am grateful I put in). 

And yet, even with all of those ugly truths and thoughts- for the past 15 years at least, I've thought of the 7th as a perfect day.  I can't tell you what a gift it is to me to realize that throughout all of this- throughout every 7th and 8th we've experienced since then, I've chosen to see the 7th as a perfect day.  God blessed me with a positive perspective regarding that day- He blessed me in the moment to see the good- to pause and recognize the sweetness- to love the silliness at the restaurant- appreciating how much the boys love each other- appreciating how blessed I am.  And now, it's time to rewrite my view of the 8th. 

February 8^th, 2006 has always been the worst day of my life.  It was the day our Luke left our home to be with our Father in Heaven.  Living life without our sweet little guy is the deepest pain I’ve known. That thought still brings so much sadness- and rightfully so. It’s overwhelming, it hurts, and there’s definite healing that comes from those tears.  I don’t plan to cut that source of healing out of my life.  I do, however, plan to couple those thoughts and tears with another perspective.  February 8^th, 2006 is the day we lost our son…but it is also the day our family solidified our testimony that families are forever.  It's the day James and I chose each other- again- deliberately- we chose that no matter what happened, no matter how hard our path ahead would be, we would do it together.  We chose to put our family first.  We decided we would not blame God, but would keep Him a part of our lives.  We told Luke before he passed that we would look for him in our moments of joy. And do you know what?  We have.  Those "perfect days" that come do tempt me to fear what's to come after...who's going to leave, what will we lose tomorrow... but I have a choice...just as I have had every year for the past 17 years.  Do I focus on all the sweet, tender memories?  Or do I focus on all that ended on that day?  Without realizing it, I've chosen to focus on the sweet, tender memories most of the time.  If I can do it with the 7th, I can most certainly do it on every other "perfect day" to come.  

(Our visit to Luke's grave this past summer)

If something in your past isn’t serving you, I hope you can find the strength to see it differently.  I truly believe that it will be worth it.

Families are Forever. 

A Message from Logan

¡Hola familia y amigos!

I hope everything is going SERENDIPITOUSLY (credit to Elder Hanks) for you all! 

Life over here has been pretty awesome, we got to find out as of Wednesday morning that we were in fact not in possession of covid so that was fun! 

Not much happened this week, we had zone conference though which is always incredible!  As for my spiritual thought this week I thought I would share some of my beliefs regarding eternal families. As some of you know, my twin brother Luke passed away suddenly due to an undiagnosed heart condition when we were roughly the age of 3. The anniversary of his passing is actually February 8th, which was yesterday. February 8th is a day my family and I now lovingly refer to as families are forever day!

While at the time I was not able to fully comprehend the significance of his passing, over time I came to the realization that while I could have had a twin brother by my side through all of my experiences, schooling, activities, etc. I, for some reason, did not.

However, over time, and through much studying, prayer, and faith, I have been blessed with the knowledge that his passing was another part of loving Heavenly Father's plan. Another part of that plan that I came to know was that I will be able to not only see my twin brother again, but that I will be able to laugh, hug, and grow up alongside him in the next life, and I am so grateful for that knowledge, and for the opportunity I have been given to share that knowledge with all those that are searching for those answers, for hope, for peace, and for joy. 

I know that families can be married for time and all eternity, not just until death.

And I know that this plan that our Heavenly Father has for us is one of joy. Even during the times when we struggle to see the greater purpose of what we may be going through or struggling with, our Father in heaven, with His perfect knowledge and infinite power, has a purpose for those struggles and has our best interest at heart.

Sometimes, we truly are asked to "be still, and know that I am God," "doubt not, fear not" and "know thou, my [children] that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good." (Psalms 46:10, D&C 6:36, D&C 122:7)

And I'll tell you what, there is no one else I would rather trust my life and my destiny to than my loving Heavenly Father with His all-perfect knowledge and His plan of happiness.

My invitation this week will be to prayerfully think about those prior scriptures and come up with your own invitation of something that you can do to trust more fully in our Heavenly Father and His plan for you.

Oh, and give a big hug to those you love!

Living with Righteous Intent vs. Checking Boxes

A couple of weeks ago I was invited to share a message in a conference for our church congregation about living with righteous intent rather than just "checking boxes".  As I struggled over preparing this speech, I came to realize that in this area I had been not only judging myself in a way that wasn't particularly helpful but wasn't exactly accurate either.  I wanted to share a piece of my message here with the hope that it will help others who are feeling they aren't measuring up- aren't doing things "right"- that it comes down to the intent of your heart, and that intent is between you and your Father in Heaven.  Here's part of my message I shared:

"Families are Forever day is the anniversary of the day we lost our oldest son, Luke.  Luke is the oldest by 9 minutes.  His twin brother Logan is currently serving a Spanish-speaking mission for our church in Ft. Collins, Colorado.  Luke passed away unexpectedly from an undiagnosed heart condition while my husband James was on a business trip and I had taken the boys to visit my parents and siblings.  I was 6 months pregnant with our son Tyler at the time.  

When Luke passed away, James and I decided three things.  We would not hate God, we would not let this break our marriage, and we would look for Luke in our joy.  I am only going to focus on the first one- we would not hate God.  At the time I remember thinking that I didn’t want to pray, didn’t want to read scriptures, didn’t want to do any of the “church answers.”  I was hurt and confused and lost. I decided that I would do the bare minimum to check the boxes because that’s the best I could do. I would let the habits take over until I was ready to do more.

I remember opening the scriptures and letting my eyes fall on a word or two.  I remember praying by basically telling Heavenly Father I don’t know why this happened and I’m praying because I’m supposed to. I remember praying to be numb so the pain could stop.

As I prepared this talk, I was going to share how as time went on I was able to move from checking boxes to living with righteous intent, but the more I pondered and prayed and wrote, the more I realized that my intent at that time wasn’t to check boxes.  My intent at that time was to maintain a connection to my Father in Heaven, and I accomplished that by checking the boxes.  All these years, I’d been judging myself harshly for something I could have felt good about- wanting to maintain a connection to God through trial.  Instead I focused on how “other people” face tragedy by diving into their scriptures or pouring their hearts out in prayer, and that wasn’t me.  In writing this, I realized something life-changing for me:  those moments I chose kneel down, to touch my scriptures, think about God or the plan, or even just get out of bed- I was reaching out to my Father in Heaven.  I was showing Him the desire of my heart- the desire to be faithful- the desire to trust Him even though I felt like nothing made sense. 

If you are in a place where you are struggling- where checking the boxes is all you can do- it may be that your intent is actually in the right place after all. 

I have felt so inadequate to speak to you today because though I know I have some areas I genuinely strive to live with righteous intent, there are also areas I am just checking boxes.  I feel like it’s important to remember that this is a gospel of joy and that we have a Savior who loves us and willingly carries our burdens.  We also have a Father in Heaven that knows the true intent of our hearts.  You aren’t hiding anything from Him.  If there’s an area you can improve, He already knows- He’s just waiting for the opportunity to help you face it. 

I believe there is a plan of happiness, and when we keep our focus on where we are headed- when we focus on moving in a positive direction, applying those principles that we learn of in the scriptures a little better each day, we are doing it right.  Life is not easy- we are not perfect- we will have minor setbacks- we may have major setbacks- but as long as we examine our intent for our actions often, adjusting as necessary, and allow ourselves grace as we learn, we can build our relationship with our Savior and become more in line with the person we have the capacity to be. 

We are children of God.  We have a purpose.  We are individuals and God loves us as such.  He doesn’t want us to do things because he says so- He wants us to do them because we want to be our best selves, and we know He, as an all-knowing Father, can help us figure out how to do that."

So that’s what I learned this year.  😊  As for our special day, I began by teaching a very special yoga class I had prepared using songs that meant something special to our family as well as songs about resilience and faith.  A few of the miracles surrounding the class were:  1.  on the way over I heard a song that mentioned daisies (“Luke’s flower” in my book) and  2.  the roofers were not working (20 minutes of last week’s class was quite noisy when accompanied by their banging hammers!), and 3.  I made it through the class without crying, but rather feeling strong and grateful.  

I’ve been worried about how this year would go-the first year without Logan here to celebrate with us- but as Katie and I walked outside after yoga, I smiled because it was raining.  Logan loves the song “Holes in the Floor of Heaven” and it always reminded him that Luke was near.  That rain not only reminded me that Luke was near, but also that Logan wasn’t alone either, and that makes me happy.  I love to think of them serving this mission together.  We ate a delicious meal, wrote our messages to Luke on our balloons and then sent them up in the rain that had subsided a bit for our release.  Tyler’s balloon ascended the fastest- he said it was because it was a shark and sharks swim well through water.  James and I were able to chat with Logan briefly during Katie’s volleyball practice as well, which meant so much to me.  It hurt my heart a little this year as I realized Luke is the only one for whom James and I sign “Daddy & Mommy," but it makes me happy too to realize life has continued and it's really, really great.  Our kiddos are growing up fast and time with them at home is short.  I guess it just makes it mean that much more to me to know time doesn’t stop our family being a family- near, far, together, apart-  Families are forever.

God Knows us Individually

 

We made it to Florida!  Moving through a pandemic has provided interesting challenges, but we are all happy and healthy, and doing as much "Florida" stuff as Covid allows.  This year I thought I'd share a story about something that happened when we spent the day at Busch Gardens.  Luke loved zoos- particularly the lions, gorillas, and the hippos.  Every time we go to a zoo it feels like he's nearby, and this trip was no different.  He loved trains, and I heard the train whistle multiple times throughout the day- each time smiling at the thought of him.  When we rode the train and saw the animals, it brought even more joy.  After lots of fun, we decided to head home, but not without first finding Dippin Dots at Katie's request.  We knew they were near the entrance, so it would be our last stop.  As we stood there with our yummy ice cream in the middle of the Busch Gardens courtyard a few days after Christmas, a light show began dancing all across the buildings to the song "I Can Only Imagine" by Mercyme.  This song is all about meeting Christ when we pass from this life.  We played it at Luke's funeral and it has been the "Luke song" for our family ever since.  Busch Gardens isn't known as a Christian venue as far as I know, and though it was close to Christmas, I've never heard "I Can Only Imagine" referred to as a Christmas song.  I believe very strongly that that song played at that moment for our family.  God knew that the most personal way He could show us He loved us, He was aware of us, and that Luke was alright was to play "Luke's song."  I couldn't stop the tears.  It's been 15 years.  It's true that time allows that painful scar of loss to harden...but it's also true that there are moments that still come when the pain feels very much as deep as it did the moment we lost him.  That evening I cried for both- some for the loss and for the many memories I'd hoped to make with Luke that I hadn't, but mostly for the relief that God wasn't far away- that there is hope.  God knows us, loves us, and we mean enough to Him that He would find a way to play us a specific and very Christian song in a very secular place blasting through speakers with a beautiful light show that made everyone stop and appreciate at the end of a wonderful family day.  For me, it was a miracle. 

The second thought is about letting go.  Logan, Luke's twin brother, is a senior.  He will be heading out into the world as a missionary in the next 6 months or so.  He will be attending college after that.  He's all grown up, and this will likely be the last Families are Forever day the five of us will be together for a while.  That hurts my heart a little, but also makes me so appreciative of this past few years.  When we moved to Europe we constantly reminded the kids that the relationships they created with each other would last forever.  Friends will come and go, but family is forever.  We spent so much time together in Europe- traveling, staying in rather close quarters, and once Covid hit, well, family was everything.  We had plans for our final few months in Europe- trips we'd take, the goodbyes we'd share with friends, how the kids would finish up their school year, the Boy Scouts Eagle projects the boys would complete (both were mid-eagle project when Covid hit.)  But those plans had to change.  We had to leave without saying goodbye to most everyone.  The boys didn't get to complete their projects.  We didn't get to take our final trips.  We had to let go of all the plans we made and just trust that everything would work out.  It was hard- sometimes it still is when I look at all the kids are missing because of this pandemic- how different life is than we'd planned- but I don't find peace in entertaining those thoughts of what "should be".  I find peace when I remember God is in charge, and though I may not understand why things are as they are sometimes, I trust that God knows me, loves me, and won't send anything my way that I can't handle WITH HIS HELP.  I could never have handled calling my husband who was away for work to tell him our son had collapsed suddenly and wasn't going to make it.  I could never have let my sweet little almost-3 year old return to his father in heaven- could have never handled teaching his twin brother we were going to have faith in God in response- could have never sent my little guy off to school alone when I'd always planned to send them together- and now I will have faith as I send my 'grown up' boy off into the world on his own when I'd planned to send him there with his brother.  I've had 15 years to prepare to let him go on his own, and thankfully God has blessed us to accept it by continuously reminding us that we are never really on our own- none of us are.  We are His children.  He knows each of us personally- He knows exactly what we need to feel that love He has for us.  Most recently for our family that reminder was a song in the middle of Busch Gardens- but those reminders come all the time- some on a grand scale, and some as small as a butterfly.  God loves us and with Christ all things are possible.

Hug your babies and your loved ones today!  Families are Forever.

Logan & Luke  Luke & LoganLuke

Luke Cari, Logan, Luke

         

Choose a Perspective that Brings You Joy!

Fourteen years.  How can fourteen years have already passed?  It seems it was only yesterday I was sitting at lunch with my parents, Luke and Logan giggling and pointing to the heart decorations on the wall as we waited for the waitress to bring us our lunch.  It seems like only yesterday Luke made the phone call to his dad that ended up in a funny message because he couldn't figure out why James answered but now wasn't talking (as a toddler he didn't quite grasp the concept of voicemail.)  It seems like only yesterday Luke peeked his cute little head around the corner and ran away laughing when I saw him.  It seems like only yesterday I heard Luke call me Mommy.

Sometimes those memories are colored with sadness, tears, or anger for what's not to be...but those feelings attend my memories of Luke less and less.  More often than not, I choose to remember him and our life together with fondness, appreciation, and love.  I'm grateful that day still feels so close to my heart- grateful it seems like just yesterday.  And even though some days those same memories bring tears, I'm grateful that today I choose to smile.

When Luke passed away, so much was changing- life felt out of control.  A life we'd never considered became real.  Medical diagnoses were brought to light and they proved to be earth-shattering.  Our son had Long QT- a heart condition he hadn't been diagnosed with until after his death- and it resulted in SADS (sudden arrhythmia death syndrome.)  His twin brother Logan was tested immediately and was also diagnosed with Long QT.  The doctors then found that I had it, and because I was 6 months pregnant with Tyler I would need to be monitored closely.  We learned Logan would need an internal cardiac defibrillator, meaning surgeries we never realized would be in his future.  So much changed in a blink of an eye and I really didn't know how we would survive...but we did.  When Tyler was born, he had Long QT as well.  Katie was diagnosed at her birth a couple of years after that.  We've had surgeries and defibrillators placed and removed.  On the other hand, we've had way less surgeries than doctors originally expected.  We've also met tons of amazing people, moved to multiple places, traveled, learned and grown.  Life has continued.  This year it's stood out to me most that I find the most joy when I spend time and energy focusing on things I can control:  my actions and my perspective.

In the years right after Luke passed, we took each day...sometimes each hour...one at a time.  I could choose to stay in bed or I could choose to get up and go for a walk.  I learned it was ok to choose whatever I needed most at the time- that adding expectations to what I 'should' be doing or what I 'should' be feeling only made things worse.  Family and friends were then and continue to be incredibly supportive allowing us to grieve as we needed- to talk when we needed, to be quiet when we needed- to allow us to cry as we needed, but who also allowed us to laugh and smile without making us feel guilty for finding joy during our mourning.  We were surrounded by people we knew we could count on at a moments notice because those same people respected what we asked for at the time.  Unconditional love is an incredible gift- the most Christ-like attribute I can think of.  It's not easy to give, but I have multiple people in my life who have shown me just that and I am forever grateful for their love as well as their example.

I am grateful for a Father in Heaven who loves me- who I believe listens to my prayers and knows the intent of my heart.  I'm grateful for my Savior Jesus Christ who died that we may all overcome death and be reunited in heaven.  I'm grateful that He will help me carry my burdens, brings peace, and provides a way for us to be forgiven of sin.

I am also grateful for my sweet hubby.  I'm grateful that because James and I handle grief differently, we are learning to support each other in our differences, and that spreads to all aspects of our relationship.  James doesn't expect me to react the same or need the same things he does which makes me feel safe to tell him what I do need and to support him in what he needs.  When disagreements show up, it can often be tied to misunderstood expectations.  I guess what I'm learning is that we're learning.  It's ok to not be perfect, and it's ok to not be the same.  The more honest I am about what I need and the more I love others unconditionally, the closer my relationships can be.  Perhaps this lesson would have come about anyway, but I like to think that our marriage is stronger because Luke is part of our story.  Because of him, I've learned more about living with joy and practicing to make it more prevalent in my life.  I think happiness is most prevalent when I'm practicing two things:  Enjoying each moment for what it is and Appreciating people for who they are.    

Speaking of happiness, we've now lived in Germany for over three and a half years.  It's been amazing!  When we received the orders to Stuttgart we were ecstatic-a 3 year European vacation!  It has been everything we'd hoped for and more...including an extra year.  We have traveled to places we never thought we'd see in person and some we didn't even know existed a few years ago- we've tasted foods we'd never heard of, seen historical sights we'd only read about in books, and been able to experience first hand how people from various cultures live.  In our first 3 years we traveled every chance we could get.  We didn't want to waste a moment, and we didn't. Our 4th year we've slowed down our travel a bit as we prepare to move again, and we've had more "Stay-cations" than vacations, relaxing as a family and enjoying the moments as they come.  The cool part is that the weekends we choose to stay home still feel like we aren't wasting a moment because we own the fact that we made that choice.  We are in control of how we fill our days. We are in charge of how we see our lives.  We are in charge of who we choose to be.  We love traveling, and we love being home.  We love Europe, and we love that we will soon be back in America.  Joy can be found everywhere...the perspective we choose makes all the difference.  Thank you for being part of my journey in healing. Hug your loved ones and remember all things are possible through Christ who strengthens us!  Families are Forever! 

**Here are our balloons headed up to Luke.  Tyler's was a renegade and released itself, leaving only the strings behind in his hands.  :-)  The laughter was welcome as we all quickly let go of ours to try and catch his.