The 2014 Families are Forever Day Recap

Logan and James headed out to play soccer with a bunch of friends bright an early.  Once they got home we had a yummy omelet brunch and headed to the Raleigh North Carolina LDS Temple. 

Katie was thrilled to see flowers growing even though it's February!  It was such a fun surprise that went perfectly with the balloon she chose for Luke. Just another miracle! 

While we walked around the temple grounds, we talked about how grateful we are that our family has been sealed for eternity, because we can have joy and peace knowing Luke is part of our family and will be ours forever.  I actually made it through the entire day without crying- we were just grateful for our family, our Savior Jesus Christ, and the blessing it is to believe as we do.  

 Such good friends!

 Tyler's choice for Luke was all sports this year.

 Logan knew he wanted the gold star as soon as he saw it.

 James chose this Spider-Man balloon because he's a super hero and Luke LOVES Super Heroes!
I picked the frog because Luke LOVES to jump...and I love him.  :-)

 Here they go!  I love the joy on everyone's faces!  It's been a lot of years to get to this point of gratitude and joy, and it is wonderful to see how the Lord continues to heal us as we turn our pain and suffering to Him.

 The 'Balloon Race.'

 Katie running to watch the balloons go higher.

Almost there!

 After sending our balloons to Luke, we had an awesome lunch at Cheesecake Factory and then went to see the new Lego movie.  The theme song was "Everything is Awesome!"  And as you can see from this picture, that's exactly the theme of today.  It was awesome...or "epic" as Tyler loves to say!

 Thanks to each of you for the many well-wishes and kind words, the sweet "I hugged my babies" messages, and the prayers lifted to heaven in our behalf.   They mean so much- we are truly blessed.

 If you are missing someone dear to you, I hope you'll celebrate with us each February 8- the perfect day to remember that we only have "to wait" (February = 2, 8th = 8) and we will be reunited again. Big hugs!!

Families are Forever!

February 8 is our Families Are Forever Day.  Our oldest son (by 9 minutes- he's a twin) passed away Feb 8, 2006.  We decided to embrace the day each year and celebrate that our family will one day be together again.  What's amazing is that each and every year an extra little miracle (or two, or three) shows up reconfirming that our Father in Heaven is indeed guiding my life, and that it's going the way He wants it to.  This year was a treasure!  I was able to download a number of old videos that I haven't seen in years, due to a broken camera.  A dear friend offered to loan me hers, and the quest began.  I watched my babies grow up- babies, one year old, two, and then I got a tad nervous, but also excited.  Luke died a few months before he turned 3.  When I watched the videos of Christmas just before I began to wonder what the last video I had of Luke would be.  Would it stop after Christmas?  Would there be a little something extra?  Would there be some adorable clip I had forgotten about that summed up his life?  I didn't know, but I really hoped for it to be something that would perfectly sum up his life- or something to remind me that he was ok.  What a treat when this is what I found. I'll write more about it AFTER our special day, because we're on our way to celebrate, but for now, enjoy the video!   (It's clipped by me so it would fit into blogger, but you can get the gist.)     Hug your babies!!!

**Ok, I just watched to make sure it worked, and there's no sound!  AAH!  I'll work on it this evening, but for now, here's the scoop:  Luke is showing off his belt and tie, he says, 'cheese!', and then as he runs away, he says, 'Bye!'  Can you believe that his last video is of him saying goodbye as he takes off while dressed for church?!  *happy tears*

I Am Grateful

  

This past few months I've made an even greater attempt to be grateful for the gifts in my life.  I began writing in a gratitude journal each day listing what I'm grateful for and why.  I find that it makes me appreciate even more the gifts I have because I am always looking for what else I can be thankful for.  People, events, situations, thoughts, items, etc.  I was feeling strong and confident- grateful for the growth I've seen through trials I've encountered.  In honor of that growth, I decided this would be the year I finally decorated for Valentines Day again.  Hearts have always been hard for me around this time, as it was Luke's heart that took us all by surprise and stopped unexpectedly, lifting him to heaven.  This year I was going to be tough.  I bought yellow daisies.  I bought and made a bunch of heart decorations. 

I decided to throw a healing heart party and invite a few people who have helped me in my healing this past couple of years.  

(God blesses me with people everywhere life takes us, and this station has been no different.)  I was ready to move forward a little bit more.  Nervous, but excited too.  I thought the stretch of faith would be in moving past my heart-avoidance.  

And then I realized God had more for me to learn...another test for me to choose if I was going to continue to trust Him completely.

Life was the same as usual.  I went shopping for groceries, dropped them off at home, and then went to pick Katie up from preschool not far from my house.  When I returned less than 25 minutes later, I realized my front door had been kicked in.  I was terrified.  Someone had been in my home and had taken some of our things without a second thought.  My powerful, strong feeling was quickly turning to fear, inadequacy, sadness, and regret.  Certainly I could have done more to secure my house before running out- the deadbolt clearly did little to stop the 'bad guys.'

But there's a silver lining to this storm cloud.  As soon as the cops came out and told me they were gone, I was grateful.  

I had been gone when the bad guys came.  My kids were all safe. My hubby was in town and not on the business trip that had thankfully been cancelled a few days earlier. Our dog was even with us. Things are things.  Don't get me wrong- it's not been easy as we've realized some of the things that are gone- things that I know would never mean nearly as much to them as they mean to me (ex:  pictures of my family and friends from the past 6 months, a little clay pot Logan made me last year for Mother's Day, etc.), but I try to keep reminding myself to be grateful.  And you know what?  Every time I have a grateful heart, I feel happy.  I feel hope.

Life is not easy.  Trials are going to come.  I've learned a lot in the past seven years as those little bits of healing have come into my life, and I'm sure there's much more to learn.  And I'm feeling pretty good about the fact that as scary as things were (are) after the break-in, I'm trying hard to let it be a learning experience- to let it make me stronger.  I've been through worse, that's for sure.  According to a quote I recently saw, we have three choices when trials come:  let them destroy us, let them define us, or let them strengthen us.

When Luke died, I made a conscious decision to not let it destroy me, my marriage, or my faith in God.  In deciding those things, I have been strengthened immensely.  I know God guides our lives.  I know He is aware of everything we face, and I know He will strengthen us as we allow Him to.  As we turn our pain, our sickness, our fears to Him, we will find peace.  I know because I've found that in my life...and I'm grateful.

Families are Forever.  Love your babies, love your honey,

and love God.

For those of you who want to know how our celebration went this year:

Tyler is always the funny man- last year his balloon said, 'welcome back'...this year it said "I'm so sorry you left, Luke."  He really wanted to send up the dog balloon, so he had to make it work.  A little humor to brighten our day is always welcome!

The kids and I cancelled all responsibilities and spent the day having an ultimate lego battle and eating dessert for breakfast.  We even memorized a scripture! (Alma 7:11)  :-) We played games, met James for a late lunch at Chick-Fil-A, went on a family bike ride (Katie rode her two-wheeler the whole way!!), wrote messages on our balloons, sent them up to Luke, and now we're watching Bolt.  

Here's Katie with a star balloon.  She had James add a message in the corner so it said "Happy Birthday Luke, but it's not really your birthday."  Just in case he got confused.  :-) 

 Logan wanted a military balloon, so this one was the winner. 

 This Families Are Forever Day has been nice.  And safe.  

And I'm grateful.  :-)

Just a special plug to the many, many people who have taken the time to let us know you were thinking of us, who were there to give support through the last couple of weeks, and who celebrate Families are Forever day with us, regardless of the miles that separate us.  We are truly blessed.  Thank you!

Twin Mom

 When I first started on the journey of parenthood, I had the privilege of being a twin mom right off the bat.  I had lots of twin mom friends and we would often talk of the aches and pains of pregnancy, the busy sleepless nights right after birth, the 'udderly' odd way you needed to work out nursing, etc.  But through all our commiserating, we were proud. We were the lucky ones...and we knew it.

Luke was my oldest by 9 minutes.  When he died, I was at a loss in more ways than one.  It was hard to see twins, hard to hear of people having twins, harder yet to hear people complaining about having twins.  I wanted to scream..."you are so lucky!  Do you have any idea how lucky you are to have both of your babies here?"  But I didn't.  I just kept my distance...and I'd dwell on it most of the day.

Twins are everywhere.  It seemed that one way or another I would be placed in the path to become friends with twin moms.  And I would come to love them, and I would think...well, ok.  She's not one of them....I really like her.  But I avoided the twin talk.  I didn't fit anymore.

And then a friend got pregnant with twins.  She found out on the very day we celebrate 'Families are Forever' day...the anniversary of the day Luke passed away.  My goal for that day was to strong.  I had done awesome all day...and then I overheard her news.  I wanted to be happy for her...so I kept my distance at first, and then mustered all my courage to talk to her.  I said, "congratulations, twins are the best."  I remember exactly because it took me a really long time to formulate what to say, and then to gain the strength to do it.  My plan was to leave as soon as I could so as not to detract from her joy.  She was as excited as I remembered being when I found out.  And rightfully so.  But all I could think about was Luke and how hurt I was that he was gone.  It wasn't fair.  Why today?!  Why did I have to be today that she found out?  I had two very dear friends who knew in a heartbeat when they saw me that I was struggling.  Their hugs brought the tears...and I realized.  I have got to get over this twin jealousy thing.  Had it come any other day, I may not have realized it so strongly...and so, yes.  It had to be today.  It took me a few months, but it sat in the back of my mind.  Time to heal a little more.  But how?

And then I got a message.  Not an angel from heaven message exactly, but a facebook message.  :-)  This dear twin mom asked me about having twins.  Me.  The girl that used to have twins.  (I know I still have them, technically...but not in the way that would bring about requests for advice and such.)  She asked me anyway.  I was so incredibly touched.  I just cried.  I read and re-read her message and knew I was ready to let it go.  I was ready to celebrate twins...not avoid them.  I shared what I could to help her, but I knew...I still know...she helped me more than I ever helped her.  She let me be a twin mom again.

And there I was- remembering and sharing what I had learned about raising Luke and Logan.  I brought up fun stories and memories of the two of them...and he was back.  Luke was back...even if just for a moment.

It's been almost a year since that happened...and what a year.  I've been able to move forward in ways I never thought I could.  I still miss Luke, of course, and there are still hurdles to jump in living without him- raising my children without my oldest here...but I am touched when I see or hear about twins now.  I feel compassion.  I feel camaraderie.  I feel joy when there's an opportunity to talk about my twins, and even though I don't always declare my 'twin mom' status or jump in with anecdotes, I no longer feel a need to run.  Instead, I can smile.  He's still mine, after all.



So why all of this?  It's obviously in my mind as we approach February and Families are Forever day...but today I had the best conversation with a woman at the dentist office.  She was filling in as the dentist's assistant, which left her in the room with us for a while as he straightened out paperwork we needed.  She started talking about her twins.  Girls.  Five years old.  And you know what?  My heart didn't drop.  I talked to her about mine.  We laughed about the funny way they protect each other (images of Luke decking the kid that stole Logan's book in nursery came to mind), the major differences in personality, and on and on.  She showed me a picture of her kids on her smart phone.  I pulled out my old Kiddie Candids wallet portrait of Luke and Logan with the laminated cover starting to pull away and discolor from age.  And it didn't matter.  She treated me like 'one of them.'  And for that thirty minutes, Luke was back.  My stories about him were new again.  I miss having new stories about him.  I have so much to say and tell about Logan, Tyler, and Katie.  Sometimes I worry because I know them so much better than I know Luke...I've had them longer than I had him.   But you know what?  I'm still his mom.  And talking about him today with someone who genuinely seemed interested in sharing with me as a 'twin mom' was such a blessing.

So what have I learned?  God truly knows our hearts.  He knows what we can handle and when.  It took me over five years to be comfortable with twins again. And it's still a little tender...but it's not painful.  It gives me a chance to share my firm knowledge that we are going to be together as a family again.  I know it.  :-)  And being known as someone with a solid testimony of a Father in Heaven who is guiding our lives in all things is more important than any title I may want for myself...including 'twin mom.'

Faith of a Child

Today is Families are Forever Day- the day we remember Luke (Logan's twin brother and my oldest son by 9 minutes) and celebrate that our family will be together again one day...oh how grateful I am for that! Luke passed away six years ago today a few months before he was to turn 3 of Sudden Arrhythmia Death Syndrome- (www.sads.org), caused by Prolonged QT Syndrome.

I woke this morning happy. I feel peace, I feel gratitude, I feel overwhelming love from others and for others. Each year on February 8 has been different- some years I've been very sad, others I've felt indifferent, most have had moments of extreme sadness to extreme joy.

This year was just happy.

I love seeing little steps of healing take place...like when something that would have caused pain in the past happens and I realize it no longer invoked those same feelings. This year I found joy. I cried a few days ago, missing my little man Luke...but today, I just felt joy.

I felt peace. I felt like it was ok to be happy today and truly celebrate that I will see him again and he is happy and near us often.

It's so freeing to trust in my Father in Heaven completely. To know that He is guiding all things and trusting in Him isn't blind faith...it's child-like faith.

In the Bible, we are told to have the faith of a child and today as I spent the entire day with my family- many one-on-one moments with each of my kids as well as time together,

I had the chance to see their childlike faith: their joy as we talked about their brother- their ecstatic jumping as they counted down to let go of Luke's balloons so he could catch them- their joyful expressions as they watched the balloons float away...

It was perfect. It was peaceful.

It was childlike faith at it's best. And today, as I tasted that childlike faith, I felt full of love and well-taken care of.

Life is just easier when you trust that there's a plan for you-

that you have a Father in Heaven who wants only the best for you, that you have a Savior who has already agreed to take upon Himself ALL your pain- ALL your sickness- ALL your sin...if you just let go and let Him.

I love my Savior, I love that there's a plan for us- that we can choose to live after the pattern Jesus Christ did and through His grace return and live with Him again.

Today, I feel joy. Thank you for the many kind words, prayers, and thoughts- know that your love has been felt. Hug your babies!!

xoxoCari

(Fun things to note: Tyler picked that balloon out on his own...perhaps he knows something we don't? Katie was a bit concerned Luke wouldn't like the 'Tangled' balloon she had picked until we explained that he would know immediately it was from her. Logan chose the soccer balloon but it escaped before we could snag a pic of him holding it. I had my wisdom teeth taken out yesterday, so opted out of the pics...however the 'chipmunk cheeks' are really non-existant. What was funny was that the boys assumed I meant I'd be small and furry for a few days when I told them I'd look like a chipmunk after surgery...not that my cheeks would be puffy. They were very relieved to see I still looked like mom. ha ha)

Happy Families are Forever Day!!

Feeling a Bit like a Butterfly

"Life's not about waiting for the storms to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain." -BJ Gallagher

Every now and then we are blessed to meet certain people- be it our teachers, our neighbors, our families, and especially our children... and this week I find I'm even more grateful for the loving presence of so many people in my life. The above quote was one of the many acts of kindness I've been recipient of this week. It was sent to me on a morning that I woke to the sound of a beautiful bird singing...regardless of the tap-tap-tapping of the rain. Evidently the bird had a song to sing, and the rain was NOT going to stand in the way. I was the lucky one who got to listen.This is my darling Luke- my first born (by 9 minutes) son- Logan's twin brother. Five years ago today Lukey returned to be with our Father in Heaven. He was almost three...exactly the age Katie is right now. It's amazing how quickly life goes...and how some things just never change. We focus on what we know on this anniversary each year...hence our title 'Families Are Forever' day. I've written in the past about how special it is to know we need only 'to wait' (as in the date...2/8) to see Luke again...and what peace comes from knowing he's not gone forever. This year my focus seems to be on enjoying life as it is at this moment- dancing in the rain, if you will, and being who you're meant to be.
Things are going to be hard sometimes, and they are also going to be really great sometimes. Worrying about the 'ick' just makes things, well, ickier. :-) Missing Luke is still tough- even after this many years...but I find happiness in knowing He's safe in the arms of our Savior, being cared for until I can hold him again in mine.(Logan's in red, Luke's in white) When we moved to North Carolina and walked our new property, a yellow butterfly fluttered it's way through the trees right in front of me. Yellow was the one color Luke consistently recognized, so yellow has always reminded me of him. I know that little butterfly was there to remind me that Luke was always with us- whether in Arizona, Ohio, or North Carolina. How sweet it was to find this quote in my inbox this morning:

"What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the master calls the butterfly." -Richard Bach

Sometimes I feel like the caterpillar...just wishing to curl up in my cocoon...but other times I want to be the butterfly and flutter far and wide sharing what I know that has made my life so much easier- especially in times where I've struggled with trials, pain, or sadness. I'm feeling a bit like the butterfly today, so I hope you won't mind if I share.

(Logan following behind Luke)

I know my Savior is Jesus Christ. I know He lives. I know He died that we may rid ourselves of our sins, pain, and difficulties. I've felt the peace that comes when I've prayed for Him to comfort me. I've felt the pain lessen when I've allowed Him to take it. I know families can be together forever and if we work hard to live according to the plan of our Heavenly Father, following the commandments, being baptized, and being sealed for eternity in the holy temple, we can and will be with all those we've lost to death. I know that death is not the end, but rather is just another step in a greater plan. I know the Book of Mormon is truly another testament of Jesus Christ- I know it to be the word of God, and I've seen firsthand the difference in my life as I study it alongside the Bible and try to follow the teachings they provide. I know the priesthood that existed in the time of Christ is on the earth today. I know that the Lord has called a prophet to guide us and direct us as this world grows further and further from the teachings found in the scriptures. I know that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints has the fullness of the gospel and it answers the questions, 'why am I here' 'what is life for' and 'what happens after we die.' I know that God will tell each of us for ourselves the truth of all things if we pray for those answers, believing we'll receive.

I offer this testimony not to offend in anyway, but to share with you what has guided me through tough times. This is just a tip of the iceberg, but I can assure you that accepting the will of God that Luke be taken from our family for now was the most difficult thing I have ever done. I do accept it, though. I truly believe we should follow the Savior's example as He prayed the words, 'Thy will be done.' I don't know exactly why it was His will to take Luke, but I know that as I've trusted that it truly was His will, there have been many, many blessings in my life- all of which I attribute to our Father in Heaven and my Savior Jesus Christ.

Our Father in Heaven wants us to be happy...and today, as I act more like a butterfly than a caterpillar, I feel exactly that: happy.

Hug your loved ones today...and especially love those babies. They have lots to teach us, and it really only takes a moment to make a memory that will last forever.

In His name, Jesus Christ, amen.

The Story of the Tipped-Over Tooth

Once upon a time there two little boys named Luke and Logan. These little men LOVED to take baths, and every night they would splash and splash. Sometimes they would forget that the tub was slippery, and more than once one or both of them would stand up. On not-so-lucky nights, one may slip or fall. Well on this particular night, Daddy was TDY so Mommy was all alone bathing the boys. Logan and Luke forgot the 'sit down in the tub' rule, and both stood up. Logan slipped, knocked over Luke, and Mommy grabbed both of them as fast as she could. Luke made it through the ordeal unscathed. Unfortunately, Logan's mouth hit the side of the tub too quickly, and his tooth suffered the consequences. For the next three years, that tooth remained tipped over. . . until a few days ago. Logan was running around, and happened to bump into the couch. The tipped over tooth was again bumped- and this time it didn't look like it wanted to stay in Logan's mouth. Daddy asked Logan if he wanted him to pull it out, and Logan quickly agreed. With a swift yank, the tipped over tooth was out. Logan was ecstatic! He put the tooth under his pillow and was extremely excited to find four shiny quarters in the morning attached to a teeny-tiny note.
You can see that the missing tooth didn't take the spring from his step!


Logan LOVES to play in the snow- especially when it's powder.