Families are Forever!

February 8 is our Families Are Forever Day.  Our oldest son (by 9 minutes- he's a twin) passed away Feb 8, 2006.  We decided to embrace the day each year and celebrate that our family will one day be together again.  What's amazing is that each and every year an extra little miracle (or two, or three) shows up reconfirming that our Father in Heaven is indeed guiding my life, and that it's going the way He wants it to.  This year was a treasure!  I was able to download a number of old videos that I haven't seen in years, due to a broken camera.  A dear friend offered to loan me hers, and the quest began.  I watched my babies grow up- babies, one year old, two, and then I got a tad nervous, but also excited.  Luke died a few months before he turned 3.  When I watched the videos of Christmas just before I began to wonder what the last video I had of Luke would be.  Would it stop after Christmas?  Would there be a little something extra?  Would there be some adorable clip I had forgotten about that summed up his life?  I didn't know, but I really hoped for it to be something that would perfectly sum up his life- or something to remind me that he was ok.  What a treat when this is what I found. I'll write more about it AFTER our special day, because we're on our way to celebrate, but for now, enjoy the video!   (It's clipped by me so it would fit into blogger, but you can get the gist.)     Hug your babies!!!

**Ok, I just watched to make sure it worked, and there's no sound!  AAH!  I'll work on it this evening, but for now, here's the scoop:  Luke is showing off his belt and tie, he says, 'cheese!', and then as he runs away, he says, 'Bye!'  Can you believe that his last video is of him saying goodbye as he takes off while dressed for church?!  *happy tears*

I Know That My Redeemer Lives

Click here to watch the video:  I Know That My Redeemer Lives

I wanted to find something that could share all that was in my heart today, and when I began watching this video I thought, 'this is a good start.'  I appreciated the many miracles and found myself reflecting on the redeeming example we have in Christ.

I thought, "I need to find a way to love others more fully."

The videos of forgiveness and tender kindness as people shared their burdens came next, and I found myself thinking of the many hearts He has healed and continues to heal...the many hearts that He could heal, if only they would be willing to ask Him to do so.

I thought, "I can do better.  I can trust Him more."

And then I saw the video of our Savior, Jesus Christ, on the cross.  I am so incredibly grateful that He loved us THAT much.  That He would give His perfect life that we may return to live with Him again.  I didn't want to dwell on His death.  Especially when I know that's not the end of the story.  I began anticipating the moment it would show when He overcame death.  I wanted His death to be complete so He could live again.

And the music changed. "This is it!", I thought.  And I watched the stone roll away revealing an empty tomb.

This truly happened.  We will truly live again.  We will be reunited with all those who have gone before us.  And it's all because of Christ.

And then I saw the people touch His hands.  I saw them run to Him.

And I thought, "Luke's done that."  My baby.  My first born has already had the chance to run to Him.

My heart was full as I appreciated that my darling little boy is in the safety and careful watch of his (and my) Savior.

I looked at the faces of the many as they welcomed Him and even though I know they were acting, I kept thinking how it will really feel.  I will cry, I will run to Him...I will thank Him for His sacrifice, and I will thank Him for helping me through the sacrifices He's asked me to make.  Because He has...each and every time.

He's never left me alone, and I know He never will.

I am so grateful for our Savior, Jesus Christ.  I know He lives.  I know He will help us through all things, and we have the opportunity to let Him guide us each and every day.  I hope I can live a little better so that others will come to know Him better, too.  May you have a blessed Easter full of hope.  As dark as Friday may be, may we remember that Sunday always comes.

 In His sacred name, Jesus Christ, amen.


I Know that my Redeemer Lives video

I Am Grateful

  

This past few months I've made an even greater attempt to be grateful for the gifts in my life.  I began writing in a gratitude journal each day listing what I'm grateful for and why.  I find that it makes me appreciate even more the gifts I have because I am always looking for what else I can be thankful for.  People, events, situations, thoughts, items, etc.  I was feeling strong and confident- grateful for the growth I've seen through trials I've encountered.  In honor of that growth, I decided this would be the year I finally decorated for Valentines Day again.  Hearts have always been hard for me around this time, as it was Luke's heart that took us all by surprise and stopped unexpectedly, lifting him to heaven.  This year I was going to be tough.  I bought yellow daisies.  I bought and made a bunch of heart decorations. 

I decided to throw a healing heart party and invite a few people who have helped me in my healing this past couple of years.  

(God blesses me with people everywhere life takes us, and this station has been no different.)  I was ready to move forward a little bit more.  Nervous, but excited too.  I thought the stretch of faith would be in moving past my heart-avoidance.  

And then I realized God had more for me to learn...another test for me to choose if I was going to continue to trust Him completely.

Life was the same as usual.  I went shopping for groceries, dropped them off at home, and then went to pick Katie up from preschool not far from my house.  When I returned less than 25 minutes later, I realized my front door had been kicked in.  I was terrified.  Someone had been in my home and had taken some of our things without a second thought.  My powerful, strong feeling was quickly turning to fear, inadequacy, sadness, and regret.  Certainly I could have done more to secure my house before running out- the deadbolt clearly did little to stop the 'bad guys.'

But there's a silver lining to this storm cloud.  As soon as the cops came out and told me they were gone, I was grateful.  

I had been gone when the bad guys came.  My kids were all safe. My hubby was in town and not on the business trip that had thankfully been cancelled a few days earlier. Our dog was even with us. Things are things.  Don't get me wrong- it's not been easy as we've realized some of the things that are gone- things that I know would never mean nearly as much to them as they mean to me (ex:  pictures of my family and friends from the past 6 months, a little clay pot Logan made me last year for Mother's Day, etc.), but I try to keep reminding myself to be grateful.  And you know what?  Every time I have a grateful heart, I feel happy.  I feel hope.

Life is not easy.  Trials are going to come.  I've learned a lot in the past seven years as those little bits of healing have come into my life, and I'm sure there's much more to learn.  And I'm feeling pretty good about the fact that as scary as things were (are) after the break-in, I'm trying hard to let it be a learning experience- to let it make me stronger.  I've been through worse, that's for sure.  According to a quote I recently saw, we have three choices when trials come:  let them destroy us, let them define us, or let them strengthen us.

When Luke died, I made a conscious decision to not let it destroy me, my marriage, or my faith in God.  In deciding those things, I have been strengthened immensely.  I know God guides our lives.  I know He is aware of everything we face, and I know He will strengthen us as we allow Him to.  As we turn our pain, our sickness, our fears to Him, we will find peace.  I know because I've found that in my life...and I'm grateful.

Families are Forever.  Love your babies, love your honey,

and love God.

For those of you who want to know how our celebration went this year:

Tyler is always the funny man- last year his balloon said, 'welcome back'...this year it said "I'm so sorry you left, Luke."  He really wanted to send up the dog balloon, so he had to make it work.  A little humor to brighten our day is always welcome!

The kids and I cancelled all responsibilities and spent the day having an ultimate lego battle and eating dessert for breakfast.  We even memorized a scripture! (Alma 7:11)  :-) We played games, met James for a late lunch at Chick-Fil-A, went on a family bike ride (Katie rode her two-wheeler the whole way!!), wrote messages on our balloons, sent them up to Luke, and now we're watching Bolt.  

Here's Katie with a star balloon.  She had James add a message in the corner so it said "Happy Birthday Luke, but it's not really your birthday."  Just in case he got confused.  :-) 

 Logan wanted a military balloon, so this one was the winner. 

 This Families Are Forever Day has been nice.  And safe.  

And I'm grateful.  :-)

Just a special plug to the many, many people who have taken the time to let us know you were thinking of us, who were there to give support through the last couple of weeks, and who celebrate Families are Forever day with us, regardless of the miles that separate us.  We are truly blessed.  Thank you!

Twin Mom

 When I first started on the journey of parenthood, I had the privilege of being a twin mom right off the bat.  I had lots of twin mom friends and we would often talk of the aches and pains of pregnancy, the busy sleepless nights right after birth, the 'udderly' odd way you needed to work out nursing, etc.  But through all our commiserating, we were proud. We were the lucky ones...and we knew it.

Luke was my oldest by 9 minutes.  When he died, I was at a loss in more ways than one.  It was hard to see twins, hard to hear of people having twins, harder yet to hear people complaining about having twins.  I wanted to scream..."you are so lucky!  Do you have any idea how lucky you are to have both of your babies here?"  But I didn't.  I just kept my distance...and I'd dwell on it most of the day.

Twins are everywhere.  It seemed that one way or another I would be placed in the path to become friends with twin moms.  And I would come to love them, and I would think...well, ok.  She's not one of them....I really like her.  But I avoided the twin talk.  I didn't fit anymore.

And then a friend got pregnant with twins.  She found out on the very day we celebrate 'Families are Forever' day...the anniversary of the day Luke passed away.  My goal for that day was to strong.  I had done awesome all day...and then I overheard her news.  I wanted to be happy for her...so I kept my distance at first, and then mustered all my courage to talk to her.  I said, "congratulations, twins are the best."  I remember exactly because it took me a really long time to formulate what to say, and then to gain the strength to do it.  My plan was to leave as soon as I could so as not to detract from her joy.  She was as excited as I remembered being when I found out.  And rightfully so.  But all I could think about was Luke and how hurt I was that he was gone.  It wasn't fair.  Why today?!  Why did I have to be today that she found out?  I had two very dear friends who knew in a heartbeat when they saw me that I was struggling.  Their hugs brought the tears...and I realized.  I have got to get over this twin jealousy thing.  Had it come any other day, I may not have realized it so strongly...and so, yes.  It had to be today.  It took me a few months, but it sat in the back of my mind.  Time to heal a little more.  But how?

And then I got a message.  Not an angel from heaven message exactly, but a facebook message.  :-)  This dear twin mom asked me about having twins.  Me.  The girl that used to have twins.  (I know I still have them, technically...but not in the way that would bring about requests for advice and such.)  She asked me anyway.  I was so incredibly touched.  I just cried.  I read and re-read her message and knew I was ready to let it go.  I was ready to celebrate twins...not avoid them.  I shared what I could to help her, but I knew...I still know...she helped me more than I ever helped her.  She let me be a twin mom again.

And there I was- remembering and sharing what I had learned about raising Luke and Logan.  I brought up fun stories and memories of the two of them...and he was back.  Luke was back...even if just for a moment.

It's been almost a year since that happened...and what a year.  I've been able to move forward in ways I never thought I could.  I still miss Luke, of course, and there are still hurdles to jump in living without him- raising my children without my oldest here...but I am touched when I see or hear about twins now.  I feel compassion.  I feel camaraderie.  I feel joy when there's an opportunity to talk about my twins, and even though I don't always declare my 'twin mom' status or jump in with anecdotes, I no longer feel a need to run.  Instead, I can smile.  He's still mine, after all.



So why all of this?  It's obviously in my mind as we approach February and Families are Forever day...but today I had the best conversation with a woman at the dentist office.  She was filling in as the dentist's assistant, which left her in the room with us for a while as he straightened out paperwork we needed.  She started talking about her twins.  Girls.  Five years old.  And you know what?  My heart didn't drop.  I talked to her about mine.  We laughed about the funny way they protect each other (images of Luke decking the kid that stole Logan's book in nursery came to mind), the major differences in personality, and on and on.  She showed me a picture of her kids on her smart phone.  I pulled out my old Kiddie Candids wallet portrait of Luke and Logan with the laminated cover starting to pull away and discolor from age.  And it didn't matter.  She treated me like 'one of them.'  And for that thirty minutes, Luke was back.  My stories about him were new again.  I miss having new stories about him.  I have so much to say and tell about Logan, Tyler, and Katie.  Sometimes I worry because I know them so much better than I know Luke...I've had them longer than I had him.   But you know what?  I'm still his mom.  And talking about him today with someone who genuinely seemed interested in sharing with me as a 'twin mom' was such a blessing.

So what have I learned?  God truly knows our hearts.  He knows what we can handle and when.  It took me over five years to be comfortable with twins again. And it's still a little tender...but it's not painful.  It gives me a chance to share my firm knowledge that we are going to be together as a family again.  I know it.  :-)  And being known as someone with a solid testimony of a Father in Heaven who is guiding our lives in all things is more important than any title I may want for myself...including 'twin mom.'

Peace, Be Still

"Sometimes God calms the storm, and other times He lets the storm rage and calms the child."

Who am I to doubt that our Savior Jesus Christ can't take my pain, fear, suffering, sin, sadness?!  Of COURSE He can!  I am so grateful to know this to be true- life is not always easy...sometimes it has even seemed unbearable...but as I turn my pain over to Him, He is always there waiting to bless me with comfort, joy, and peace.  Life is so fantastic right now, and when I saw this quote, I thought I should share.  If you happen to be struggling, I hope you'll think about accepting HIS healing.  It's made all the difference to me!

Faith of a Child

Today is Families are Forever Day- the day we remember Luke (Logan's twin brother and my oldest son by 9 minutes) and celebrate that our family will be together again one day...oh how grateful I am for that! Luke passed away six years ago today a few months before he was to turn 3 of Sudden Arrhythmia Death Syndrome- (www.sads.org), caused by Prolonged QT Syndrome.

I woke this morning happy. I feel peace, I feel gratitude, I feel overwhelming love from others and for others. Each year on February 8 has been different- some years I've been very sad, others I've felt indifferent, most have had moments of extreme sadness to extreme joy.

This year was just happy.

I love seeing little steps of healing take place...like when something that would have caused pain in the past happens and I realize it no longer invoked those same feelings. This year I found joy. I cried a few days ago, missing my little man Luke...but today, I just felt joy.

I felt peace. I felt like it was ok to be happy today and truly celebrate that I will see him again and he is happy and near us often.

It's so freeing to trust in my Father in Heaven completely. To know that He is guiding all things and trusting in Him isn't blind faith...it's child-like faith.

In the Bible, we are told to have the faith of a child and today as I spent the entire day with my family- many one-on-one moments with each of my kids as well as time together,

I had the chance to see their childlike faith: their joy as we talked about their brother- their ecstatic jumping as they counted down to let go of Luke's balloons so he could catch them- their joyful expressions as they watched the balloons float away...

It was perfect. It was peaceful.

It was childlike faith at it's best. And today, as I tasted that childlike faith, I felt full of love and well-taken care of.

Life is just easier when you trust that there's a plan for you-

that you have a Father in Heaven who wants only the best for you, that you have a Savior who has already agreed to take upon Himself ALL your pain- ALL your sickness- ALL your sin...if you just let go and let Him.

I love my Savior, I love that there's a plan for us- that we can choose to live after the pattern Jesus Christ did and through His grace return and live with Him again.

Today, I feel joy. Thank you for the many kind words, prayers, and thoughts- know that your love has been felt. Hug your babies!!

xoxoCari

(Fun things to note: Tyler picked that balloon out on his own...perhaps he knows something we don't? Katie was a bit concerned Luke wouldn't like the 'Tangled' balloon she had picked until we explained that he would know immediately it was from her. Logan chose the soccer balloon but it escaped before we could snag a pic of him holding it. I had my wisdom teeth taken out yesterday, so opted out of the pics...however the 'chipmunk cheeks' are really non-existant. What was funny was that the boys assumed I meant I'd be small and furry for a few days when I told them I'd look like a chipmunk after surgery...not that my cheeks would be puffy. They were very relieved to see I still looked like mom. ha ha)

Happy Families are Forever Day!!

Welcome Back!

I could make this entire post about how sorry I am that I haven't been writing...it seems only fitting since I've been absent about 6 months! And I am sorry- I love having a 'journal' of sorts to keep track of the fun our family has been having. I also love giving those far away from us a glimpse of life's happenings...it just makes friends and family seem a tad closer, you know?! With that said, I am hoping to have at least a post a month. I know that may seem lame, but since it's one a month instead of one in six months (like last year), I think that's actually quite a lofty goal! :-D

Great stuff has happened this past, oh, six months...here's a bit of the past couple of weeks:
1. My littlest brother Alex just married an amazing little lady named Hannah. She looks like a model, loves and supports my bro, is smart, fun, and laid back...we are so excited to have her in the family!
2. Had a blast in Illinois for Christmas...the cousins played from sun up to sun down and enjoyed every minute of it! We had an ongoing hot chocolate bar...a MUST for every Christmas hereafter, fun dips in the hot tub, awesome shopping trip with the girls, lots of plotting and planning for the 2012 Marython plans, singing in the church choir, singing around the piano with my brothers, etc.
3. Performing the nativity play for Dad at the ER was another highlight. We had a sleeping Tyler as Baby Jesus, a large stuffed leopard as the camel, Logan and Lucy as Joseph and Mary, Gracie as a wonderful angel, Nonna, Jonny, and Erin as the wise men, and Katie and I as the shepherd and sheep. Sam played the role of the director, James and Dad were the audience.
4. Visit to my Grandma and Grandpa with Uncles and Aunts, cousins, and such- great music, great food, and lots of loud chit chat and laughing!
5. Yummy meals, the candy tree, and on and on and on. I love food.
6. Got to meet up with more family on our drive home when Hal, Kristel, Cody, Hunter, and Pam drove up to Knoxville to see us- Chuck E Cheese, a freezing cold pool...what more could you ask?!
7. Still keeping busy with the youth in our ward- I LOVE working with these amazing girls. James is still working with the missionaries and does an awesome job!
8. Tyler and Katie are both in gymnastics- Katie has attended a dance class with ballet and tap a few times- she loves it, so I think we'll find her a permanent class soon. Logan is all about soccer and cub scouts, and is looking forward to the beginning of his indoor season of soccer.
9. The boys love school, Katie enjoys her 'library class' (weekly storytime), and I love my job taking care of them.
10. Life is good. We are blessed. Here's to starting January off with one goal met. :-)