Prepared for Everything

I am the kind of person who likes to know what's going to happen as early as possible.  I like to have someone spell out for me what I should expect.  By doing this, I can become aware of anything that may be scary or difficult for me, and figure out how I'm going to face those things before I actually have to face them.  I can rationally prepare for what's to come by deciding on the best course of action, learning whatever I may need to learn, planning what needs to be planned, doing what needs to be done...BEFORE I actually have to do it.  So much stress is alleviated when I can plan and work ahead, and the success rate is usually worth the extra effort.
I have a harder time handling things that pop up.  I find myself constantly thinking, "if I'd have known beforehand, I would have (fill in the blank specific to the situation) and things would have been so much easier!"  But life is not that way.  I honestly can't come up with EVERY possibility, and certainly not EVERY solution to what may happen in my life.  Looking back over the last 11 years, I feel I've actually found the most joy and peace as I've lived according to these six ideas.  If you're interested, here's the "planner" in me at work.
Six ways to prepare now for anything that may come into your life:
1.  Create positive habits: For me these include Praying often.  Reading scriptures daily.  Being grateful in my journal and out loud.  When I struggled the most right after Luke died, how grateful I was for these habits already solid in my life.  I didn't feel much like praying when my prayer for Luke to live wasn't answered with his restored health.  But I prayed anyway.  I didn't feel like reading scriptures at that time either...but I did it anyway.  And I certainly didn't feel like being grateful- what was there to be grateful for?!  In all honesty?  There was plenty.  I found something every single day.  Even if that something was 'I'm grateful this kleenex is soft and not scratching my eyes and nose when I wipe them from constantly crying."  Reading God's word kept me close to Him.  Praying to Him daily kept an open line of communication and helped me vocalize all that was inside of me.  I'm not sure when desire came back to pray, read scriptures, or be grateful, but I know that they did.  And I believe that if something happens in life to challenge my desire to do these things again, I will continue moving forward if I can stay true to these habits.
2.  Control what you can and accept what you can't.  The past can't be changed.  The future can.  There is hope and joy in remembering the past and planning for the future.  There is only sadness in wishing and planning how you 'could have' or 'should have' handled the past.
3.    Decide your absolutes.  For me there were two:  Don't hate God.  Solidify our marriage.  Many marriages struggle after the death of a child.  James and I both made a conscious choice that we would trust in God's plan for us and that we would not let this enormous trial break us.  When differences in mourning showed up, we supported one another.  We admitted our differences to one another in how we needed to handle things, and we let each other do it our own way.  At times that meant sacrificing our own needs for those of the other- which only made us stronger.  I look back now and I am so incredibly grateful we chose then and continue now to stand by those absolutes.
4.  Share your plan to be happy with your loved one.  I mentioned this in last year's post- in a nutshell, we told Luke we'd look for him when we smiled and laughed, and what a difference it made as we slowly began to do that again.
5.  Focus on Eternity.  When you remember that there is a God in Heaven who sent His Son to die for our sins so we can be forgiven and return to live with Him again, you don't get so caught up on the little things.  The dishes in the sink instead of the dishwasher are not of lasting consequence.  The way you treat your family members IS of lasting consequence. You "treat differently those things that you want to last."  If it won't matter in 5 years, or 20 years, should it really matter so much now?  It's amazing how often something difficult will pop up and my first thought will be, "I've been through worse.  I can do this."  Remember what matters the most- keep an eternal perspective.
6.  "Be Believing. Be Happy.  Don't get Discouraged.  Things will work out." (Gordon B. Hinckley)  It's true.  If you have faith, choose to be happy, and keep an eternal perspective, life truly seems to work out.  I believe without a doubt that everything will make complete sense when we get to Heaven and look back at all that happened in our lives.  We don't have to have all the answers now.  Not having the answers allows us to develop faith.  It allows us to develop hope.  It allows us to lean on our Father in Heaven in ways we never imagined we would, and allows us to find His hand in our lives in ways we never imagined we could.  I firmly believe that if it hasn't worked out yet, then it's not the end.  :-)

I read a quote that said, "time doesn't heal all wounds.  It's what you do with the time that heals you."  I am so grateful for the time I've put into learning and living each of these ideas.  They have become a part of my life and I can see glimpses of healing because of them.  Here's to another year closer to seeing my sweet Luke again...as we celebrate Families are Forever day, may you hug your babies a little tighter, love your honeys even more unconditionally, and trust in God with everything you've got.  He's got this...and as you place your hand in His, so do you.  You truly can be prepared for everything.

See You When We Smile

Moments of inspiration show up when least expected.  Sometimes that inspiration isn't fully realized until later...perhaps years later.  When Luke's life neared it's end and we saw his heart rate steadily decreasing, I began whispering my final goodbyes that would have to stand until I joined Luke in heaven one day, I remember thinking about the trip we'd planned as a family to visit the San Diego Zoo a few months later...a trip we would now be taking without him, if we went at all.  It was a split second thought I hardly recognized until later as I replayed those final moments over and over in my mind.  Why did the zoo come to mind?  It seems ridiculous, until I realized the words that I said because of that thought.  It was because of that thought that I added these specific things to my expressions of love and how much we would miss him:
1- We will go to the zoo and look for you at the lions.  (He LOVED to see the lions at the zoo.)
2- We are going to smile and laugh, and when we do, we'll know you're there.

One of the hardest things to handle after a loss of a loved one is to shake the guilt when you realize your life is moving forward.  The first time you smile, the first time you laugh, the first day you realized you didn't cry that day.  There is a fear you didn't love them enough if you can now smile without them present.  You fear you're dishonoring their memory if you don't constantly remain sullen and subdued- certainly nothing will ever be worth smiling about again.

Oh how happy I am that I made Luke these promises!  How grateful I am that I can look back over the past 10 years and see moment after moment of joy- smile after smile- giggle after giggle.  I'm so glad for all the memories made, that we kept living life...for the many times Luke has certainly been near.  Now, this is not to say there aren't moments, days, or weeks, where those feelings of longing and sadness show up again- sometimes in an overwhelming, unexpected torrent.  They do.  The smallest reminder can trigger very deep responses...but even when the tears flow readily, there's an underlying peace- an unshakable faith that reminds me those moments are merely to remind me how deeply I do love...and how much I look forward to returning to Heaven to hold my little guy again.

Faith is key.  Faith is what provides me the strength to smile through the tears- to enjoy moments of happiness instead of feeling guilty about them- faith is what pushes me to be better, to live each moment to the fullest, to enjoy every moment, to realize when I'm making a mountain out of a molehill, to give others the benefit of the doubt.  Faith is what makes it ok to smile, because one day I WILL be reunited with my son.  Faith is what reminds me that God has promised we won't be given more than we can handle when our hand is firmly in His.  As we let Him lead us, as we trust that He truly gave His perfect life that we can be perfected in Him, as we work to pattern our lives and actions after His, we find strength deep within that can only come from above, and life truly is joyful.  You can and will be reminded of your sweet loved ones as well as the love of your Savior every time you smile.  I know families are forever, and God would never allow anything to happen that wasn't part of His plan.  

I'll write more of our family celebration of Families are Forever day in the next few days.  For now, just know that I know God is in charge.  He loves us, and He wants us to be happy.  As we allow Him to work through us, we truly will be happy- to live, to laugh, to smile.  Hug your loved ones!

Little Moments of Healing

So, this is going to be lengthy- just a fair warning!- but I've been thinking of writing about this for a long time, and I guess tonight is the night.  Today I want to write about

Little Moments of Healing.  

The firsts.  The first time you do pretty much anything after a major life change.  For us, that major change was losing our oldest son unexpectedly just a few months before he was to turn three.  The first day after, the first Tuesday, the first 8th of the month, the first birthday they aren't with you, the first holiday, the first year anniversary of their passing, the first time you drive by the place you used to go together, the first time you hear their favorite show come on, the first time you eat the food they loved, the first time you clean the floor again, the first time you laugh, the first time you sing, the first time you get stopped at a train crossing and there's no little voice asking 'where the train go? awaiting your reply of 'off to help someone!'  The first time you smile at their memory instead of cry, and realize it...

The first time of anything...without them.

But with all those firsts, there is a great possibility of joy.  I know because I'm getting better at seeing them now.  So if by chance you are facing something life changing, I hope you will see the possible moments of strength for what they are- Moments of Healing- even earlier than I did.  And if you continue to struggle, I hope my sharing this gives you another perspective that will bring you peace or a taste of hope that you may be struggling to find.  

Everyone heals differently- that's the way it should be.

Lots of years ago- I prefer to not count how many- the world stopped for our family.  It seemed like it would never, ever start again, and to be honest, I didn't think I wanted it to.  I actually found myself angry when I realized the world was still turning.  How could this be?!  How could everyone be continuing as if every day was just "business as usual?"  

I remember standing in the grocery store a couple of weeks after our darling little fireball Luke went to heaven and starting to cry that I needed to buy more cheese.  Cheese!  How could our cheese have gone bad?  Didn't it realize life in our home had stopped?  Didn't it realize that our world was frozen- nothing would move forward from that moment on?  And this woman came up and grabbed some cheese right off the hook in front of me without a care in the world.  The nerve!  I felt the tears well up in my eyes, but I also felt as if a moment of clarity was washing over me.  It was a familiar feeling- but the first I remember consciously taking note of after we had returned home and to 'life.'  It was one of many of what I from then on would term, "Little Moments of Healing."  I began to think:  Never again will I have to do this again for the first time after Luke passed.  This was it.  I am doing it.  I am going to get it over with and buy cheese, and it will never again be as hard as it will be for me at this moment. And I was right.  I bought the cheese.  

I don't think I could consciously list all the many "Moments of Healing" that have come and gone since that day, but I know there have been MANY.  You would think that being so many years from that time I wouldn't have many left to have- the "experts" as well as those "well-meaning people that don't understand" kindly report, 'Time heals all wounds,' so....you know...aren't I healed yet?!'  Um, no...but am I happy?  Yes.  Do I find many reasons to smile each day?  Yes.  Will I continue learning and growing and loving and living?  Yes.  But 'healed? as in no longer miss him and the life we had hoped for him?'  No.  Until I get to those pearly gates I will probably always long for that in some way.  To touch him, to see him, to watch him grow, marry, be a dad.  (But won't Heaven be AMAZING?!!)  I think this describes it pretty accurately:  

Losing a loved one is like losing a limb- it never heals in the sense that it comes back and is just like it always had been- but your body does in fact heal.  You learn to live differently- you learn to live without it.  You realize there is still joy to be had, mistakes to be made, love to be shared.  You never forget it used to be there- and sometimes you mourn for it all over again- 

but you learn to live anyway.  

Easy?  No.  Possible?  Yes.  Because if you open your eyes to find them, you'll realize you're getting stronger each and every day- with each and every Little Moment of Healing.

Those Little Moments of Healing continue to show up for me...Moments I don't realize I'm still holding my breath for in a sense...until they happen.

Five? years ago was another big Healing Moment for me.  I had just made the decision with my hubby that we were going to Disney World with our kiddos and we had the dates worked out.  I was so incredibly excited!  I called to tell my dad because he and my mom were going to join us.  I didn't realize it at the time, but he was actually sitting with a family who had just lost their little one suddenly.  The magnitude of the contrast between my life and that of this family were not lost on me.  When I learned of the news, I was right back where I had been the night after Luke passed.  Stunned.  Confused.  As if I'd never breathe again.  And then almost immediately as I began to pray and to remind myself, 'it's not me'- I realized how far I had come.  Where I once thought I would never be able to buy cheese again, I was now planning for a future vacation and I was filled with joy and excitement as I did so.  Life had continued- my life was continuing- we really were doing ok.  And I knew I had moved forward to a point that maybe, just maybe, I could offer some hope to this family in a nightmare situation I had recently lived myself.  It was amazing to see how helping another brought so much healing to my life- healing I didn't realize I hadn't faced yet- and I came away that much stronger because I didn't shy away from the chance to grow a little more.  (See the picture of us at Epcot?  We were smiling!)

  

This past week I was blessed to go to Disney World again to run a race with my family.  My mom, sister, and I ran it together- what a blessing to do it as a team!!  But there was about ten minutes where I was on my own (nature called, I listened.) and I was running to catch up with them after my bathroom break.  As I ran through the Magic Kingdom I took in as much as I could- it was magical!  I came around a bend...and saw the train.  Trains always have and always will remind me of Luke.  I didn't realize how much it would mean to me to see the train until I saw that train.  I was filled with joy- he's here!  He's thinking of me!  God is reminding me I'm not alone.  And I smiled.  Another step in healing.  That train is still helping people- and this time, as it is often nowadays when I hear that whistle blow, the person it's helping is me.

Hug your babies, your honeys, your loved ones.  

You have them for eternity, but why wait to enjoy them?

The 2014 Families are Forever Day Recap

Logan and James headed out to play soccer with a bunch of friends bright an early.  Once they got home we had a yummy omelet brunch and headed to the Raleigh North Carolina LDS Temple. 

Katie was thrilled to see flowers growing even though it's February!  It was such a fun surprise that went perfectly with the balloon she chose for Luke. Just another miracle! 

While we walked around the temple grounds, we talked about how grateful we are that our family has been sealed for eternity, because we can have joy and peace knowing Luke is part of our family and will be ours forever.  I actually made it through the entire day without crying- we were just grateful for our family, our Savior Jesus Christ, and the blessing it is to believe as we do.  

 Such good friends!

 Tyler's choice for Luke was all sports this year.

 Logan knew he wanted the gold star as soon as he saw it.

 James chose this Spider-Man balloon because he's a super hero and Luke LOVES Super Heroes!
I picked the frog because Luke LOVES to jump...and I love him.  :-)

 Here they go!  I love the joy on everyone's faces!  It's been a lot of years to get to this point of gratitude and joy, and it is wonderful to see how the Lord continues to heal us as we turn our pain and suffering to Him.

 The 'Balloon Race.'

 Katie running to watch the balloons go higher.

Almost there!

 After sending our balloons to Luke, we had an awesome lunch at Cheesecake Factory and then went to see the new Lego movie.  The theme song was "Everything is Awesome!"  And as you can see from this picture, that's exactly the theme of today.  It was awesome...or "epic" as Tyler loves to say!

 Thanks to each of you for the many well-wishes and kind words, the sweet "I hugged my babies" messages, and the prayers lifted to heaven in our behalf.   They mean so much- we are truly blessed.

 If you are missing someone dear to you, I hope you'll celebrate with us each February 8- the perfect day to remember that we only have "to wait" (February = 2, 8th = 8) and we will be reunited again. Big hugs!!

Families are Forever!

February 8 is our Families Are Forever Day.  Our oldest son (by 9 minutes- he's a twin) passed away Feb 8, 2006.  We decided to embrace the day each year and celebrate that our family will one day be together again.  What's amazing is that each and every year an extra little miracle (or two, or three) shows up reconfirming that our Father in Heaven is indeed guiding my life, and that it's going the way He wants it to.  This year was a treasure!  I was able to download a number of old videos that I haven't seen in years, due to a broken camera.  A dear friend offered to loan me hers, and the quest began.  I watched my babies grow up- babies, one year old, two, and then I got a tad nervous, but also excited.  Luke died a few months before he turned 3.  When I watched the videos of Christmas just before I began to wonder what the last video I had of Luke would be.  Would it stop after Christmas?  Would there be a little something extra?  Would there be some adorable clip I had forgotten about that summed up his life?  I didn't know, but I really hoped for it to be something that would perfectly sum up his life- or something to remind me that he was ok.  What a treat when this is what I found. I'll write more about it AFTER our special day, because we're on our way to celebrate, but for now, enjoy the video!   (It's clipped by me so it would fit into blogger, but you can get the gist.)     Hug your babies!!!

**Ok, I just watched to make sure it worked, and there's no sound!  AAH!  I'll work on it this evening, but for now, here's the scoop:  Luke is showing off his belt and tie, he says, 'cheese!', and then as he runs away, he says, 'Bye!'  Can you believe that his last video is of him saying goodbye as he takes off while dressed for church?!  *happy tears*

I Know That My Redeemer Lives

Click here to watch the video:  I Know That My Redeemer Lives

I wanted to find something that could share all that was in my heart today, and when I began watching this video I thought, 'this is a good start.'  I appreciated the many miracles and found myself reflecting on the redeeming example we have in Christ.

I thought, "I need to find a way to love others more fully."

The videos of forgiveness and tender kindness as people shared their burdens came next, and I found myself thinking of the many hearts He has healed and continues to heal...the many hearts that He could heal, if only they would be willing to ask Him to do so.

I thought, "I can do better.  I can trust Him more."

And then I saw the video of our Savior, Jesus Christ, on the cross.  I am so incredibly grateful that He loved us THAT much.  That He would give His perfect life that we may return to live with Him again.  I didn't want to dwell on His death.  Especially when I know that's not the end of the story.  I began anticipating the moment it would show when He overcame death.  I wanted His death to be complete so He could live again.

And the music changed. "This is it!", I thought.  And I watched the stone roll away revealing an empty tomb.

This truly happened.  We will truly live again.  We will be reunited with all those who have gone before us.  And it's all because of Christ.

And then I saw the people touch His hands.  I saw them run to Him.

And I thought, "Luke's done that."  My baby.  My first born has already had the chance to run to Him.

My heart was full as I appreciated that my darling little boy is in the safety and careful watch of his (and my) Savior.

I looked at the faces of the many as they welcomed Him and even though I know they were acting, I kept thinking how it will really feel.  I will cry, I will run to Him...I will thank Him for His sacrifice, and I will thank Him for helping me through the sacrifices He's asked me to make.  Because He has...each and every time.

He's never left me alone, and I know He never will.

I am so grateful for our Savior, Jesus Christ.  I know He lives.  I know He will help us through all things, and we have the opportunity to let Him guide us each and every day.  I hope I can live a little better so that others will come to know Him better, too.  May you have a blessed Easter full of hope.  As dark as Friday may be, may we remember that Sunday always comes.

 In His sacred name, Jesus Christ, amen.


I Know that my Redeemer Lives video

I Am Grateful

  

This past few months I've made an even greater attempt to be grateful for the gifts in my life.  I began writing in a gratitude journal each day listing what I'm grateful for and why.  I find that it makes me appreciate even more the gifts I have because I am always looking for what else I can be thankful for.  People, events, situations, thoughts, items, etc.  I was feeling strong and confident- grateful for the growth I've seen through trials I've encountered.  In honor of that growth, I decided this would be the year I finally decorated for Valentines Day again.  Hearts have always been hard for me around this time, as it was Luke's heart that took us all by surprise and stopped unexpectedly, lifting him to heaven.  This year I was going to be tough.  I bought yellow daisies.  I bought and made a bunch of heart decorations. 

I decided to throw a healing heart party and invite a few people who have helped me in my healing this past couple of years.  

(God blesses me with people everywhere life takes us, and this station has been no different.)  I was ready to move forward a little bit more.  Nervous, but excited too.  I thought the stretch of faith would be in moving past my heart-avoidance.  

And then I realized God had more for me to learn...another test for me to choose if I was going to continue to trust Him completely.

Life was the same as usual.  I went shopping for groceries, dropped them off at home, and then went to pick Katie up from preschool not far from my house.  When I returned less than 25 minutes later, I realized my front door had been kicked in.  I was terrified.  Someone had been in my home and had taken some of our things without a second thought.  My powerful, strong feeling was quickly turning to fear, inadequacy, sadness, and regret.  Certainly I could have done more to secure my house before running out- the deadbolt clearly did little to stop the 'bad guys.'

But there's a silver lining to this storm cloud.  As soon as the cops came out and told me they were gone, I was grateful.  

I had been gone when the bad guys came.  My kids were all safe. My hubby was in town and not on the business trip that had thankfully been cancelled a few days earlier. Our dog was even with us. Things are things.  Don't get me wrong- it's not been easy as we've realized some of the things that are gone- things that I know would never mean nearly as much to them as they mean to me (ex:  pictures of my family and friends from the past 6 months, a little clay pot Logan made me last year for Mother's Day, etc.), but I try to keep reminding myself to be grateful.  And you know what?  Every time I have a grateful heart, I feel happy.  I feel hope.

Life is not easy.  Trials are going to come.  I've learned a lot in the past seven years as those little bits of healing have come into my life, and I'm sure there's much more to learn.  And I'm feeling pretty good about the fact that as scary as things were (are) after the break-in, I'm trying hard to let it be a learning experience- to let it make me stronger.  I've been through worse, that's for sure.  According to a quote I recently saw, we have three choices when trials come:  let them destroy us, let them define us, or let them strengthen us.

When Luke died, I made a conscious decision to not let it destroy me, my marriage, or my faith in God.  In deciding those things, I have been strengthened immensely.  I know God guides our lives.  I know He is aware of everything we face, and I know He will strengthen us as we allow Him to.  As we turn our pain, our sickness, our fears to Him, we will find peace.  I know because I've found that in my life...and I'm grateful.

Families are Forever.  Love your babies, love your honey,

and love God.

For those of you who want to know how our celebration went this year:

Tyler is always the funny man- last year his balloon said, 'welcome back'...this year it said "I'm so sorry you left, Luke."  He really wanted to send up the dog balloon, so he had to make it work.  A little humor to brighten our day is always welcome!

The kids and I cancelled all responsibilities and spent the day having an ultimate lego battle and eating dessert for breakfast.  We even memorized a scripture! (Alma 7:11)  :-) We played games, met James for a late lunch at Chick-Fil-A, went on a family bike ride (Katie rode her two-wheeler the whole way!!), wrote messages on our balloons, sent them up to Luke, and now we're watching Bolt.  

Here's Katie with a star balloon.  She had James add a message in the corner so it said "Happy Birthday Luke, but it's not really your birthday."  Just in case he got confused.  :-) 

 Logan wanted a military balloon, so this one was the winner. 

 This Families Are Forever Day has been nice.  And safe.  

And I'm grateful.  :-)

Just a special plug to the many, many people who have taken the time to let us know you were thinking of us, who were there to give support through the last couple of weeks, and who celebrate Families are Forever day with us, regardless of the miles that separate us.  We are truly blessed.  Thank you!