God Knows us Individually

 

We made it to Florida!  Moving through a pandemic has provided interesting challenges, but we are all happy and healthy, and doing as much "Florida" stuff as Covid allows.  This year I thought I'd share a story about something that happened when we spent the day at Busch Gardens.  Luke loved zoos- particularly the lions, gorillas, and the hippos.  Every time we go to a zoo it feels like he's nearby, and this trip was no different.  He loved trains, and I heard the train whistle multiple times throughout the day- each time smiling at the thought of him.  When we rode the train and saw the animals, it brought even more joy.  After lots of fun, we decided to head home, but not without first finding Dippin Dots at Katie's request.  We knew they were near the entrance, so it would be our last stop.  As we stood there with our yummy ice cream in the middle of the Busch Gardens courtyard a few days after Christmas, a light show began dancing all across the buildings to the song "I Can Only Imagine" by Mercyme.  This song is all about meeting Christ when we pass from this life.  We played it at Luke's funeral and it has been the "Luke song" for our family ever since.  Busch Gardens isn't known as a Christian venue as far as I know, and though it was close to Christmas, I've never heard "I Can Only Imagine" referred to as a Christmas song.  I believe very strongly that that song played at that moment for our family.  God knew that the most personal way He could show us He loved us, He was aware of us, and that Luke was alright was to play "Luke's song."  I couldn't stop the tears.  It's been 15 years.  It's true that time allows that painful scar of loss to harden...but it's also true that there are moments that still come when the pain feels very much as deep as it did the moment we lost him.  That evening I cried for both- some for the loss and for the many memories I'd hoped to make with Luke that I hadn't, but mostly for the relief that God wasn't far away- that there is hope.  God knows us, loves us, and we mean enough to Him that He would find a way to play us a specific and very Christian song in a very secular place blasting through speakers with a beautiful light show that made everyone stop and appreciate at the end of a wonderful family day.  For me, it was a miracle. 

The second thought is about letting go.  Logan, Luke's twin brother, is a senior.  He will be heading out into the world as a missionary in the next 6 months or so.  He will be attending college after that.  He's all grown up, and this will likely be the last Families are Forever day the five of us will be together for a while.  That hurts my heart a little, but also makes me so appreciative of this past few years.  When we moved to Europe we constantly reminded the kids that the relationships they created with each other would last forever.  Friends will come and go, but family is forever.  We spent so much time together in Europe- traveling, staying in rather close quarters, and once Covid hit, well, family was everything.  We had plans for our final few months in Europe- trips we'd take, the goodbyes we'd share with friends, how the kids would finish up their school year, the Boy Scouts Eagle projects the boys would complete (both were mid-eagle project when Covid hit.)  But those plans had to change.  We had to leave without saying goodbye to most everyone.  The boys didn't get to complete their projects.  We didn't get to take our final trips.  We had to let go of all the plans we made and just trust that everything would work out.  It was hard- sometimes it still is when I look at all the kids are missing because of this pandemic- how different life is than we'd planned- but I don't find peace in entertaining those thoughts of what "should be".  I find peace when I remember God is in charge, and though I may not understand why things are as they are sometimes, I trust that God knows me, loves me, and won't send anything my way that I can't handle WITH HIS HELP.  I could never have handled calling my husband who was away for work to tell him our son had collapsed suddenly and wasn't going to make it.  I could never have let my sweet little almost-3 year old return to his father in heaven- could have never handled teaching his twin brother we were going to have faith in God in response- could have never sent my little guy off to school alone when I'd always planned to send them together- and now I will have faith as I send my 'grown up' boy off into the world on his own when I'd planned to send him there with his brother.  I've had 15 years to prepare to let him go on his own, and thankfully God has blessed us to accept it by continuously reminding us that we are never really on our own- none of us are.  We are His children.  He knows each of us personally- He knows exactly what we need to feel that love He has for us.  Most recently for our family that reminder was a song in the middle of Busch Gardens- but those reminders come all the time- some on a grand scale, and some as small as a butterfly.  God loves us and with Christ all things are possible.

Hug your babies and your loved ones today!  Families are Forever.

Logan & Luke  Luke & LoganLuke

Luke Cari, Logan, Luke

         

Choose a Perspective that Brings You Joy!

Fourteen years.  How can fourteen years have already passed?  It seems it was only yesterday I was sitting at lunch with my parents, Luke and Logan giggling and pointing to the heart decorations on the wall as we waited for the waitress to bring us our lunch.  It seems like only yesterday Luke made the phone call to his dad that ended up in a funny message because he couldn't figure out why James answered but now wasn't talking (as a toddler he didn't quite grasp the concept of voicemail.)  It seems like only yesterday Luke peeked his cute little head around the corner and ran away laughing when I saw him.  It seems like only yesterday I heard Luke call me Mommy.

Sometimes those memories are colored with sadness, tears, or anger for what's not to be...but those feelings attend my memories of Luke less and less.  More often than not, I choose to remember him and our life together with fondness, appreciation, and love.  I'm grateful that day still feels so close to my heart- grateful it seems like just yesterday.  And even though some days those same memories bring tears, I'm grateful that today I choose to smile.

When Luke passed away, so much was changing- life felt out of control.  A life we'd never considered became real.  Medical diagnoses were brought to light and they proved to be earth-shattering.  Our son had Long QT- a heart condition he hadn't been diagnosed with until after his death- and it resulted in SADS (sudden arrhythmia death syndrome.)  His twin brother Logan was tested immediately and was also diagnosed with Long QT.  The doctors then found that I had it, and because I was 6 months pregnant with Tyler I would need to be monitored closely.  We learned Logan would need an internal cardiac defibrillator, meaning surgeries we never realized would be in his future.  So much changed in a blink of an eye and I really didn't know how we would survive...but we did.  When Tyler was born, he had Long QT as well.  Katie was diagnosed at her birth a couple of years after that.  We've had surgeries and defibrillators placed and removed.  On the other hand, we've had way less surgeries than doctors originally expected.  We've also met tons of amazing people, moved to multiple places, traveled, learned and grown.  Life has continued.  This year it's stood out to me most that I find the most joy when I spend time and energy focusing on things I can control:  my actions and my perspective.

In the years right after Luke passed, we took each day...sometimes each hour...one at a time.  I could choose to stay in bed or I could choose to get up and go for a walk.  I learned it was ok to choose whatever I needed most at the time- that adding expectations to what I 'should' be doing or what I 'should' be feeling only made things worse.  Family and friends were then and continue to be incredibly supportive allowing us to grieve as we needed- to talk when we needed, to be quiet when we needed- to allow us to cry as we needed, but who also allowed us to laugh and smile without making us feel guilty for finding joy during our mourning.  We were surrounded by people we knew we could count on at a moments notice because those same people respected what we asked for at the time.  Unconditional love is an incredible gift- the most Christ-like attribute I can think of.  It's not easy to give, but I have multiple people in my life who have shown me just that and I am forever grateful for their love as well as their example.

I am grateful for a Father in Heaven who loves me- who I believe listens to my prayers and knows the intent of my heart.  I'm grateful for my Savior Jesus Christ who died that we may all overcome death and be reunited in heaven.  I'm grateful that He will help me carry my burdens, brings peace, and provides a way for us to be forgiven of sin.

I am also grateful for my sweet hubby.  I'm grateful that because James and I handle grief differently, we are learning to support each other in our differences, and that spreads to all aspects of our relationship.  James doesn't expect me to react the same or need the same things he does which makes me feel safe to tell him what I do need and to support him in what he needs.  When disagreements show up, it can often be tied to misunderstood expectations.  I guess what I'm learning is that we're learning.  It's ok to not be perfect, and it's ok to not be the same.  The more honest I am about what I need and the more I love others unconditionally, the closer my relationships can be.  Perhaps this lesson would have come about anyway, but I like to think that our marriage is stronger because Luke is part of our story.  Because of him, I've learned more about living with joy and practicing to make it more prevalent in my life.  I think happiness is most prevalent when I'm practicing two things:  Enjoying each moment for what it is and Appreciating people for who they are.    

Speaking of happiness, we've now lived in Germany for over three and a half years.  It's been amazing!  When we received the orders to Stuttgart we were ecstatic-a 3 year European vacation!  It has been everything we'd hoped for and more...including an extra year.  We have traveled to places we never thought we'd see in person and some we didn't even know existed a few years ago- we've tasted foods we'd never heard of, seen historical sights we'd only read about in books, and been able to experience first hand how people from various cultures live.  In our first 3 years we traveled every chance we could get.  We didn't want to waste a moment, and we didn't. Our 4th year we've slowed down our travel a bit as we prepare to move again, and we've had more "Stay-cations" than vacations, relaxing as a family and enjoying the moments as they come.  The cool part is that the weekends we choose to stay home still feel like we aren't wasting a moment because we own the fact that we made that choice.  We are in control of how we fill our days. We are in charge of how we see our lives.  We are in charge of who we choose to be.  We love traveling, and we love being home.  We love Europe, and we love that we will soon be back in America.  Joy can be found everywhere...the perspective we choose makes all the difference.  Thank you for being part of my journey in healing. Hug your loved ones and remember all things are possible through Christ who strengthens us!  Families are Forever! 

**Here are our balloons headed up to Luke.  Tyler's was a renegade and released itself, leaving only the strings behind in his hands.  :-)  The laughter was welcome as we all quickly let go of ours to try and catch his.

Embracing the Weather

"Bad weather always looks worse through a window."

Living in Europe has many perks.  Amazing travel opportunities, a plethora of new people, cultures, and perspectives, as well as helping me appreciate the things I will one day have again when I return to the States (ex: Mexican food and garbage disposals.)  One of the things I find most difficult in life is being cold.  German winters are humid and cold.  The snow, the ice, the sleet, the wind- and the fact that school is never cancelled regardless makes winters hard for me here.  I love going out for a short jog each day when it's nice out, but once the weather turns my desire to get out and be active is minimal at best.  At one point last winter I was commenting on my dislike for winter and a friend suggested I go out for a walk and try to enjoy it.  I wasn't sure enjoying it was possible, but this year I decided to give it a go.  The Germans say there is no bad weather, only bad dressing.  So, in an attempt to embrace the weather, I began bundling up nice and warm and spending 30 minutes on a walk/jog/run each day (...or sometimes trudge or skate depending on the ice or snow.)  I have to say the first few times I was pleasantly surprised at how great I felt afterwards- invigorated and pleased that I hadn't let the weather keep me in my house.  At first, there were days I'd look out the window and think, "going out today would be crazy!  Look at that snow!"  or "Who would find joy walking in sleet?"  Nevertheless, I'd bundle up a little extra, put on my boots, and head out.  As the month went on, I began really looking forward to my walk/run- even if the weather looked rough.  Some days when it was particularly bad I found myself that much more determined because it would be an even bigger accomplishment when it was finished.  Now I enjoy it so much I don't think I'll stop- in fact, I hope others will take time to enjoy nature each day as well, regardless of the weather.
So how does this apply to Families are Forever day?  In the years since Luke passed, there have been days I've wanted to "avoid the weather."  Days I've wanted to hide, to keep to myself, to avoid situations that may bring up sadness, difficult memories, etc.  Some days I've done exactly that, but other days, I've faced the challenge head on...helped when I wanted to hide, showed compassion to others when I was hurting, smiled when I wanted to cry, or cried in front of someone when I wanted everyone to think I was fine...and those days are the days I'm most proud of.  Those are the days I've grown a little more, learned a little more, healed a little more...all because I decided to "embrace the weather."  Here's to many more days of embracing whatever weather may come- we bundle ourselves up with faith and love and hope and step out that door...because honestly, most of the time the weather really isn't as bad as it looks through the window. 

Love your family a little extra today!   Happy Families are Forever day.

Don't You Quit

As I walked home from taking the kids to the bus stop yesterday, I was so overwhelmed with grief.  It was cold and kind of drizzly, but I found myself taking in everything.  The cold wasn't bothering me, and neither was the weather.  I noticed the people, the cars, the glow around the lights.  I saw the footsteps left by others, the rocks that had been kicked onto the path, the beauty of the plants brave enough to grow through the winter.  When I was about half-way home, I realized just how slowly I was walking.  I wanted to be home, but I really didn't care to try any harder to move my feet more quickly.  I was sad, a bit reflective, and moving wasn't a huge priority.  I lifted my heart to Heaven for comfort and had this thought pop in my head: you're one step closer than you were before.  Even as I walk ridiculously slow, I'm still walking.  And because I'm still headed in the right direction, I will eventually get home.  My heart felt lighter. I still moved slowly, but deliberately this time.  I said hello to the man setting up his corner veggie stand, and this time he returned my greeting.  That's only happened a few times in the year and a half I've been here regardless of the number of times I've said hello, and I realized the gift it was.  I wasn't alone.  None of us are alone.  We just need to take a minute to appreciate our journey and we'll see just how blessed we are.

Fast forward to today.  I went to German class this morning, though I was feeling a bit tender.  We had a test and I didn't want to get behind.  As class continued on, I felt this wave of sadness growing slowly but steadily.  I wanted to go home.  I wanted to fall apart, but I kept thinking...you can do it.  Hold on.  And I did.  One foot in front of the other, I held myself together and finished class.  I left quickly, nearly flying down the stairs and out the door into the cold.  On this walk home, my feet were not moving slow.  It was all I could do to not break into a sprint. I remember very little of what or who I saw on my walk.  I was so focused on my goal to get in my front door that nothing could distract me.  Nothing else mattered.  As I approached my house, the tears came.  I made it safely inside, fell to my knees and cried.  I knew the tears would pass, knew my eternal perspective would return, and it did.  But for those few minutes I needed to be sad.  I needed to hurt.  I needed to pray.  And afterwards, I felt at peace.

Two very different walks, both headed to the same place.  One I was focused on the world around me, the other I was focused on my goal and nothing else.  There are a couple of constants I see in these two journeys home.  One is the goal:  Home.  The second is the result:  both brought peace, appreciation, and joy. 

I love my earthly home- I love the people in it.  I love the safety I find here, the love, the joy.  But I know that as much as I love my home, Earth isn't our eternal home. We are only here temporarily, and then we get to go to our real home...our Heavenly home.   I love this earthly journey, and I want to appreciate all of it.  We are told we can't fully appreciate the sweet without the bitter, can't fully appreciate the happy without the sad.   We need both to create balance.  We need moments of complete focus and action, and we need moments of wonder and appreciation.  We need moments where we look outside ourselves to lift those we cross paths with, and we need quiet moments on our own to gain clarity and commune with God.

We are all on our own journeys- sometimes we're walking, sometimes we're running, and sometimes we're somewhere in between, but in every situation, every walk, there's a lesson to be learned.  As I was taught recently, "as long as I keep the most important thing the most important thing, I'm doing ok."  As I seek for balance, set my sights on Home, and choose actions that lead toward that goal, I can find peace, appreciation, and joy.  And maybe I'll even get the chance to lift someone else on my way.  I hope so.  Families are Forever.  No regrets come from making sure your loved ones know you care, so go hug your babies, love your Honey, and thank your Father in Heaven.  You won't regret it.  :-)

Prepared for Everything

I am the kind of person who likes to know what's going to happen as early as possible.  I like to have someone spell out for me what I should expect.  By doing this, I can become aware of anything that may be scary or difficult for me, and figure out how I'm going to face those things before I actually have to face them.  I can rationally prepare for what's to come by deciding on the best course of action, learning whatever I may need to learn, planning what needs to be planned, doing what needs to be done...BEFORE I actually have to do it.  So much stress is alleviated when I can plan and work ahead, and the success rate is usually worth the extra effort.
I have a harder time handling things that pop up.  I find myself constantly thinking, "if I'd have known beforehand, I would have (fill in the blank specific to the situation) and things would have been so much easier!"  But life is not that way.  I honestly can't come up with EVERY possibility, and certainly not EVERY solution to what may happen in my life.  Looking back over the last 11 years, I feel I've actually found the most joy and peace as I've lived according to these six ideas.  If you're interested, here's the "planner" in me at work.
Six ways to prepare now for anything that may come into your life:
1.  Create positive habits: For me these include Praying often.  Reading scriptures daily.  Being grateful in my journal and out loud.  When I struggled the most right after Luke died, how grateful I was for these habits already solid in my life.  I didn't feel much like praying when my prayer for Luke to live wasn't answered with his restored health.  But I prayed anyway.  I didn't feel like reading scriptures at that time either...but I did it anyway.  And I certainly didn't feel like being grateful- what was there to be grateful for?!  In all honesty?  There was plenty.  I found something every single day.  Even if that something was 'I'm grateful this kleenex is soft and not scratching my eyes and nose when I wipe them from constantly crying."  Reading God's word kept me close to Him.  Praying to Him daily kept an open line of communication and helped me vocalize all that was inside of me.  I'm not sure when desire came back to pray, read scriptures, or be grateful, but I know that they did.  And I believe that if something happens in life to challenge my desire to do these things again, I will continue moving forward if I can stay true to these habits.
2.  Control what you can and accept what you can't.  The past can't be changed.  The future can.  There is hope and joy in remembering the past and planning for the future.  There is only sadness in wishing and planning how you 'could have' or 'should have' handled the past.
3.    Decide your absolutes.  For me there were two:  Don't hate God.  Solidify our marriage.  Many marriages struggle after the death of a child.  James and I both made a conscious choice that we would trust in God's plan for us and that we would not let this enormous trial break us.  When differences in mourning showed up, we supported one another.  We admitted our differences to one another in how we needed to handle things, and we let each other do it our own way.  At times that meant sacrificing our own needs for those of the other- which only made us stronger.  I look back now and I am so incredibly grateful we chose then and continue now to stand by those absolutes.
4.  Share your plan to be happy with your loved one.  I mentioned this in last year's post- in a nutshell, we told Luke we'd look for him when we smiled and laughed, and what a difference it made as we slowly began to do that again.
5.  Focus on Eternity.  When you remember that there is a God in Heaven who sent His Son to die for our sins so we can be forgiven and return to live with Him again, you don't get so caught up on the little things.  The dishes in the sink instead of the dishwasher are not of lasting consequence.  The way you treat your family members IS of lasting consequence. You "treat differently those things that you want to last."  If it won't matter in 5 years, or 20 years, should it really matter so much now?  It's amazing how often something difficult will pop up and my first thought will be, "I've been through worse.  I can do this."  Remember what matters the most- keep an eternal perspective.
6.  "Be Believing. Be Happy.  Don't get Discouraged.  Things will work out." (Gordon B. Hinckley)  It's true.  If you have faith, choose to be happy, and keep an eternal perspective, life truly seems to work out.  I believe without a doubt that everything will make complete sense when we get to Heaven and look back at all that happened in our lives.  We don't have to have all the answers now.  Not having the answers allows us to develop faith.  It allows us to develop hope.  It allows us to lean on our Father in Heaven in ways we never imagined we would, and allows us to find His hand in our lives in ways we never imagined we could.  I firmly believe that if it hasn't worked out yet, then it's not the end.  :-)

I read a quote that said, "time doesn't heal all wounds.  It's what you do with the time that heals you."  I am so grateful for the time I've put into learning and living each of these ideas.  They have become a part of my life and I can see glimpses of healing because of them.  Here's to another year closer to seeing my sweet Luke again...as we celebrate Families are Forever day, may you hug your babies a little tighter, love your honeys even more unconditionally, and trust in God with everything you've got.  He's got this...and as you place your hand in His, so do you.  You truly can be prepared for everything.

See You When We Smile

Moments of inspiration show up when least expected.  Sometimes that inspiration isn't fully realized until later...perhaps years later.  When Luke's life neared it's end and we saw his heart rate steadily decreasing, I began whispering my final goodbyes that would have to stand until I joined Luke in heaven one day, I remember thinking about the trip we'd planned as a family to visit the San Diego Zoo a few months later...a trip we would now be taking without him, if we went at all.  It was a split second thought I hardly recognized until later as I replayed those final moments over and over in my mind.  Why did the zoo come to mind?  It seems ridiculous, until I realized the words that I said because of that thought.  It was because of that thought that I added these specific things to my expressions of love and how much we would miss him:
1- We will go to the zoo and look for you at the lions.  (He LOVED to see the lions at the zoo.)
2- We are going to smile and laugh, and when we do, we'll know you're there.

One of the hardest things to handle after a loss of a loved one is to shake the guilt when you realize your life is moving forward.  The first time you smile, the first time you laugh, the first day you realized you didn't cry that day.  There is a fear you didn't love them enough if you can now smile without them present.  You fear you're dishonoring their memory if you don't constantly remain sullen and subdued- certainly nothing will ever be worth smiling about again.

Oh how happy I am that I made Luke these promises!  How grateful I am that I can look back over the past 10 years and see moment after moment of joy- smile after smile- giggle after giggle.  I'm so glad for all the memories made, that we kept living life...for the many times Luke has certainly been near.  Now, this is not to say there aren't moments, days, or weeks, where those feelings of longing and sadness show up again- sometimes in an overwhelming, unexpected torrent.  They do.  The smallest reminder can trigger very deep responses...but even when the tears flow readily, there's an underlying peace- an unshakable faith that reminds me those moments are merely to remind me how deeply I do love...and how much I look forward to returning to Heaven to hold my little guy again.

Faith is key.  Faith is what provides me the strength to smile through the tears- to enjoy moments of happiness instead of feeling guilty about them- faith is what pushes me to be better, to live each moment to the fullest, to enjoy every moment, to realize when I'm making a mountain out of a molehill, to give others the benefit of the doubt.  Faith is what makes it ok to smile, because one day I WILL be reunited with my son.  Faith is what reminds me that God has promised we won't be given more than we can handle when our hand is firmly in His.  As we let Him lead us, as we trust that He truly gave His perfect life that we can be perfected in Him, as we work to pattern our lives and actions after His, we find strength deep within that can only come from above, and life truly is joyful.  You can and will be reminded of your sweet loved ones as well as the love of your Savior every time you smile.  I know families are forever, and God would never allow anything to happen that wasn't part of His plan.  

I'll write more of our family celebration of Families are Forever day in the next few days.  For now, just know that I know God is in charge.  He loves us, and He wants us to be happy.  As we allow Him to work through us, we truly will be happy- to live, to laugh, to smile.  Hug your loved ones!

Little Moments of Healing

So, this is going to be lengthy- just a fair warning!- but I've been thinking of writing about this for a long time, and I guess tonight is the night.  Today I want to write about

Little Moments of Healing.  

The firsts.  The first time you do pretty much anything after a major life change.  For us, that major change was losing our oldest son unexpectedly just a few months before he was to turn three.  The first day after, the first Tuesday, the first 8th of the month, the first birthday they aren't with you, the first holiday, the first year anniversary of their passing, the first time you drive by the place you used to go together, the first time you hear their favorite show come on, the first time you eat the food they loved, the first time you clean the floor again, the first time you laugh, the first time you sing, the first time you get stopped at a train crossing and there's no little voice asking 'where the train go? awaiting your reply of 'off to help someone!'  The first time you smile at their memory instead of cry, and realize it...

The first time of anything...without them.

But with all those firsts, there is a great possibility of joy.  I know because I'm getting better at seeing them now.  So if by chance you are facing something life changing, I hope you will see the possible moments of strength for what they are- Moments of Healing- even earlier than I did.  And if you continue to struggle, I hope my sharing this gives you another perspective that will bring you peace or a taste of hope that you may be struggling to find.  

Everyone heals differently- that's the way it should be.

Lots of years ago- I prefer to not count how many- the world stopped for our family.  It seemed like it would never, ever start again, and to be honest, I didn't think I wanted it to.  I actually found myself angry when I realized the world was still turning.  How could this be?!  How could everyone be continuing as if every day was just "business as usual?"  

I remember standing in the grocery store a couple of weeks after our darling little fireball Luke went to heaven and starting to cry that I needed to buy more cheese.  Cheese!  How could our cheese have gone bad?  Didn't it realize life in our home had stopped?  Didn't it realize that our world was frozen- nothing would move forward from that moment on?  And this woman came up and grabbed some cheese right off the hook in front of me without a care in the world.  The nerve!  I felt the tears well up in my eyes, but I also felt as if a moment of clarity was washing over me.  It was a familiar feeling- but the first I remember consciously taking note of after we had returned home and to 'life.'  It was one of many of what I from then on would term, "Little Moments of Healing."  I began to think:  Never again will I have to do this again for the first time after Luke passed.  This was it.  I am doing it.  I am going to get it over with and buy cheese, and it will never again be as hard as it will be for me at this moment. And I was right.  I bought the cheese.  

I don't think I could consciously list all the many "Moments of Healing" that have come and gone since that day, but I know there have been MANY.  You would think that being so many years from that time I wouldn't have many left to have- the "experts" as well as those "well-meaning people that don't understand" kindly report, 'Time heals all wounds,' so....you know...aren't I healed yet?!'  Um, no...but am I happy?  Yes.  Do I find many reasons to smile each day?  Yes.  Will I continue learning and growing and loving and living?  Yes.  But 'healed? as in no longer miss him and the life we had hoped for him?'  No.  Until I get to those pearly gates I will probably always long for that in some way.  To touch him, to see him, to watch him grow, marry, be a dad.  (But won't Heaven be AMAZING?!!)  I think this describes it pretty accurately:  

Losing a loved one is like losing a limb- it never heals in the sense that it comes back and is just like it always had been- but your body does in fact heal.  You learn to live differently- you learn to live without it.  You realize there is still joy to be had, mistakes to be made, love to be shared.  You never forget it used to be there- and sometimes you mourn for it all over again- 

but you learn to live anyway.  

Easy?  No.  Possible?  Yes.  Because if you open your eyes to find them, you'll realize you're getting stronger each and every day- with each and every Little Moment of Healing.

Those Little Moments of Healing continue to show up for me...Moments I don't realize I'm still holding my breath for in a sense...until they happen.

Five? years ago was another big Healing Moment for me.  I had just made the decision with my hubby that we were going to Disney World with our kiddos and we had the dates worked out.  I was so incredibly excited!  I called to tell my dad because he and my mom were going to join us.  I didn't realize it at the time, but he was actually sitting with a family who had just lost their little one suddenly.  The magnitude of the contrast between my life and that of this family were not lost on me.  When I learned of the news, I was right back where I had been the night after Luke passed.  Stunned.  Confused.  As if I'd never breathe again.  And then almost immediately as I began to pray and to remind myself, 'it's not me'- I realized how far I had come.  Where I once thought I would never be able to buy cheese again, I was now planning for a future vacation and I was filled with joy and excitement as I did so.  Life had continued- my life was continuing- we really were doing ok.  And I knew I had moved forward to a point that maybe, just maybe, I could offer some hope to this family in a nightmare situation I had recently lived myself.  It was amazing to see how helping another brought so much healing to my life- healing I didn't realize I hadn't faced yet- and I came away that much stronger because I didn't shy away from the chance to grow a little more.  (See the picture of us at Epcot?  We were smiling!)

  

This past week I was blessed to go to Disney World again to run a race with my family.  My mom, sister, and I ran it together- what a blessing to do it as a team!!  But there was about ten minutes where I was on my own (nature called, I listened.) and I was running to catch up with them after my bathroom break.  As I ran through the Magic Kingdom I took in as much as I could- it was magical!  I came around a bend...and saw the train.  Trains always have and always will remind me of Luke.  I didn't realize how much it would mean to me to see the train until I saw that train.  I was filled with joy- he's here!  He's thinking of me!  God is reminding me I'm not alone.  And I smiled.  Another step in healing.  That train is still helping people- and this time, as it is often nowadays when I hear that whistle blow, the person it's helping is me.

Hug your babies, your honeys, your loved ones.  

You have them for eternity, but why wait to enjoy them?