Living with Righteous Intent vs. Checking Boxes

A couple of weeks ago I was invited to share a message in a conference for our church congregation about living with righteous intent rather than just "checking boxes".  As I struggled over preparing this speech, I came to realize that in this area I had been not only judging myself in a way that wasn't particularly helpful but wasn't exactly accurate either.  I wanted to share a piece of my message here with the hope that it will help others who are feeling they aren't measuring up- aren't doing things "right"- that it comes down to the intent of your heart, and that intent is between you and your Father in Heaven.  Here's part of my message I shared:

"Families are Forever day is the anniversary of the day we lost our oldest son, Luke.  Luke is the oldest by 9 minutes.  His twin brother Logan is currently serving a Spanish-speaking mission for our church in Ft. Collins, Colorado.  Luke passed away unexpectedly from an undiagnosed heart condition while my husband James was on a business trip and I had taken the boys to visit my parents and siblings.  I was 6 months pregnant with our son Tyler at the time.  

When Luke passed away, James and I decided three things.  We would not hate God, we would not let this break our marriage, and we would look for Luke in our joy.  I am only going to focus on the first one- we would not hate God.  At the time I remember thinking that I didn’t want to pray, didn’t want to read scriptures, didn’t want to do any of the “church answers.”  I was hurt and confused and lost. I decided that I would do the bare minimum to check the boxes because that’s the best I could do. I would let the habits take over until I was ready to do more.

I remember opening the scriptures and letting my eyes fall on a word or two.  I remember praying by basically telling Heavenly Father I don’t know why this happened and I’m praying because I’m supposed to. I remember praying to be numb so the pain could stop.

As I prepared this talk, I was going to share how as time went on I was able to move from checking boxes to living with righteous intent, but the more I pondered and prayed and wrote, the more I realized that my intent at that time wasn’t to check boxes.  My intent at that time was to maintain a connection to my Father in Heaven, and I accomplished that by checking the boxes.  All these years, I’d been judging myself harshly for something I could have felt good about- wanting to maintain a connection to God through trial.  Instead I focused on how “other people” face tragedy by diving into their scriptures or pouring their hearts out in prayer, and that wasn’t me.  In writing this, I realized something life-changing for me:  those moments I chose kneel down, to touch my scriptures, think about God or the plan, or even just get out of bed- I was reaching out to my Father in Heaven.  I was showing Him the desire of my heart- the desire to be faithful- the desire to trust Him even though I felt like nothing made sense. 

If you are in a place where you are struggling- where checking the boxes is all you can do- it may be that your intent is actually in the right place after all. 

I have felt so inadequate to speak to you today because though I know I have some areas I genuinely strive to live with righteous intent, there are also areas I am just checking boxes.  I feel like it’s important to remember that this is a gospel of joy and that we have a Savior who loves us and willingly carries our burdens.  We also have a Father in Heaven that knows the true intent of our hearts.  You aren’t hiding anything from Him.  If there’s an area you can improve, He already knows- He’s just waiting for the opportunity to help you face it. 

I believe there is a plan of happiness, and when we keep our focus on where we are headed- when we focus on moving in a positive direction, applying those principles that we learn of in the scriptures a little better each day, we are doing it right.  Life is not easy- we are not perfect- we will have minor setbacks- we may have major setbacks- but as long as we examine our intent for our actions often, adjusting as necessary, and allow ourselves grace as we learn, we can build our relationship with our Savior and become more in line with the person we have the capacity to be. 

We are children of God.  We have a purpose.  We are individuals and God loves us as such.  He doesn’t want us to do things because he says so- He wants us to do them because we want to be our best selves, and we know He, as an all-knowing Father, can help us figure out how to do that."

So that’s what I learned this year.  😊  As for our special day, I began by teaching a very special yoga class I had prepared using songs that meant something special to our family as well as songs about resilience and faith.  A few of the miracles surrounding the class were:  1.  on the way over I heard a song that mentioned daisies (“Luke’s flower” in my book) and  2.  the roofers were not working (20 minutes of last week’s class was quite noisy when accompanied by their banging hammers!), and 3.  I made it through the class without crying, but rather feeling strong and grateful.  

I’ve been worried about how this year would go-the first year without Logan here to celebrate with us- but as Katie and I walked outside after yoga, I smiled because it was raining.  Logan loves the song “Holes in the Floor of Heaven” and it always reminded him that Luke was near.  That rain not only reminded me that Luke was near, but also that Logan wasn’t alone either, and that makes me happy.  I love to think of them serving this mission together.  We ate a delicious meal, wrote our messages to Luke on our balloons and then sent them up in the rain that had subsided a bit for our release.  Tyler’s balloon ascended the fastest- he said it was because it was a shark and sharks swim well through water.  James and I were able to chat with Logan briefly during Katie’s volleyball practice as well, which meant so much to me.  It hurt my heart a little this year as I realized Luke is the only one for whom James and I sign “Daddy & Mommy," but it makes me happy too to realize life has continued and it's really, really great.  Our kiddos are growing up fast and time with them at home is short.  I guess it just makes it mean that much more to me to know time doesn’t stop our family being a family- near, far, together, apart-  Families are forever.